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Limerick Lyrics 

A Collection of Choice Humorous 

Selected and arranged by 



Hew York New Orleans 

63 5th Avenue 319 Carondelet Street 

Copyright 1906 




"It would seem as though the memory of man 
runneth not to the contrary of the 'limerick.' That is 
to say, this particular form of versification is not to 
be traced to its beginnings. Just why it is called a 
'limerick,' none can assuredly say. But, whatever its 
origin, it is an institution provocative of wit of many 
and the amusement of all. 'The English-speaking 
world knows of thousands, some composed for special 
occasions and speedily perishing; other^ with the vital- 
ity of real genius in them." — Evening Star, Wash- 

There was once a poet named Immerick, 
Who worked forty days on a "limerick," 

At the end of which time. 
He remarked of his rhyme, 
"There's a limp in the limb of my limerick." 

I never could quite see the trick, 
I never wrote a limerick, 

I've often tried 
And gone to bed a-feelin' sick. 

A writer in a western paper notes that "this is the 
day of the limerick," and says of this popular form of 
nonsense verse that "it possesses a jingling rhythm 
which haunts the memory long after the measured 
sonorousness of an epic or the lilting melody of a 
lyric have departed." 

The writer is evidently under the delusion that all 
nonsense verses are limericks. Now, we can't give a 
dictionary definition of a limerick, for the reason that 
the word, for some unaccountable reason, isn't given; 
but at least we know one when we see one. 

Edward Lear has generally been charged with the 
invention of the five-line stanza well known as the 
"limerick," but he always pleads "not guilty," saying 
the form was suggested to him by a friend as a particu- 
larly appropriate model for nonsense rhymes, and this 
model, if we are not mistaken, was taken from the 
popular song, "All the Way Up to Limerick." How- 


ever it was, Lear's first nonsense verses, published in 
1846, were written in the form of the familiar stanza, 
beginning : 

There was an old man of Tobago, 

and he wrote no less than two hundred and fourteen 
others. Carolyn Wells is authority that there is an 
authority to the effect that the "limerick" flourished 
in the reign of William IV., and that the following was 
current in 1834: 

There was a young man of 'St. Kitts, 
Who was very much troubled with fits. 

The eclipse of the moon 

Threw him into a swoon, 
When he tumbled and broke into bits. 

"Limerick" is not in the Century or Standard dic- 
tionary, but a correspondent writes that Murray gives 
the following: 

Limerick. — (Said to be from a custom at convivial parties, 
according to which each member sang an extemporized "non- 
sense verse," which was followed by a chorus containing the 
words: "Will you come up to Limerick?") A form of non- 
sense verse. 

By way of illustration, the following is quoted from 
Kipling's "Stalky" : "Make up a good catchy limerick 
and let the fags sing it." — S. V. 


There was a young poet in Wemyss, 
Who cried, ^'O, how awful it seems, 

When asleep late at night. 

Lovely poetry to wright, 
And awakening find it's but dreymss!" 

Sir Thomas and Kitty sat out on the 
In the light of the silvery moon, 
And he breathed forth a prayer. 
To this being most fair. 
As he asked for her hand as a boon. 

"Oh! heart of my heart! oh! beauty most 
I would give up my life to save thine." 
"That is nothing," said she, 
"The point is with me. 
Are you willing to give up all nine?" 

There was a young chap named Cholmon- 

Who always at dinner sat dolmondeley. 
His fair partner said, 
As he crumbled his bread, 
"Dear me! you behave very rholmon- 


A boy at Sault Ste. Marie, 

Said, "To spell, I will not agree, 

Till they learn to spell 'Soo' 

Without any ^u,' 
Or an *a' or an T or a 't' " 

There was a young man in Ann Arbor, 
Who studied to be a fine barber; 

He cut quite a dash. 

And used up his cash, 
Then shaved all his friends at Ann Arbor. 

* A fine old landowner named Majori- 
Found the summer heat dry paths and 
So about his estate, 
To protect his old pate. 
He arranged pine plantations and larjori- 

But at length when the tide struck the 

It floated away like a sharque, 
And hereafter he'll steer 
Of that spot very clear 
And look out for a low water marque. 

A man who was steering a yacht, 

His course through the water forgacht, 

And he stuck in the mud 

With a dull, sickening thud. 
And the captain then swore a whole lacht. 


She was wooed by a handsome young Dr., 
Who one day in his arms tightly Ir. ; 

But straightway he swore 

He would do so no more, 
Which the same, it was plain, greatly shr. 

A young girl whose last name was Mack, 
Went to church in a new sealskin sack; 

In donating her mite 

She squeezed it so tight 
That her kid glove cracked right 'cross the 

A little old maid at Sag Harbor, 
Takes her meals in the shade of an arbor, 
With her forty pet cats, 
And her French poodle, "Rats," 
Which is shaved once a week by a barber. 

There was a young lady named Maud, 
Who at meals was a terrible fraud. 

She never was able 

To eat at the table. 
But out in the pantry — Oh, Lord! 

There was once a young poet in Hing- 

Who said, "I have songs and I'll sing- 
He sang a few times — 
Now the funeral chimes 
Sound doleful whenever they ringham. 


The devil made the wind to blow 
The ladies' skirts knee high, 
The Lord was just, 
He raised the dust 
To blind the bad man's eye. 

—IV. F. H. S. 

And the ladies are sad, rather than glad, 
That the devil didn't have his say. 

They think it unjust 

To raise the dust 
To get in the poor man's way. 

— Henry Moore. 

My remedy is this, and I trust, not amiss 
When the dust begins to fly. 

Just put on specks. 

Which will prevent the flecks 
From getting in your eye. 

— Strategist. 

Now all the beaux will wear specks on the 
And there'll be a big business in 
While the beautiful hose 
The merchant shows 
Will go like hot cakes and molasses. 

Minnehaha was kneading the dough, 
Unexpectant of sorrow or wough; 
The pappoose began bawling. 
And the bread-pan in fawling 
Crushed the Indian corn on her tough. 


Under the casement the canine was howl- 

His notes were both frequent and long. 
"What sing you?" asked Towser, 
Who that way came prowling, 

Quoth he: "Tis a pup-ular song." 

There was a young girl from the Hub, 
Who had heard of Diogenes' tub ; 
To the kitchen she hied her, 
Where her ma quickly spied her, 
And oh, how she made that girl scrub. 

In a spasm to be thought most exquisite, 
A maiden named Lee spelled it Lis. 
"It's good French," said she, 
"Just see Fleur-de-lis" 

And now she is known as plain Liz. 

I know a sweet girl who's called Maud, 
Of her papa I'm very much awed. 

I'd ask his consent. 

But I think if I went 
He'd kick till I hollered "Oh, Lawd!" 

There w^as a young housewife of Ayr, 
Whose husband's homecomings were 
Had he danced on her chest 
She'd have felt quite at rest. 
For at least she'd have known he was 


A stalwart collection of Sioux, 
Being hungry and having the blioux, 
To Washington went, 
Where a few days they spent 
In talking and hearing the nioux. 

Said they, ^'You will kindly excuioux 
Our mode of expressing our vioux. 

But we're hungry out there, 

If you've rations to spare 
Do not fear that we'll proudly refuioux." 

They rode through our fair avenioux, 
Took a trip to the finest of Zioux, 
Where the monkeys at play 
On a bright, springtime day. 
Make us laugh, even when we don't 

Then we said, ''Save your pennies, oh, 

And beware of bad money and bioux." 
They grunted. "That's nice, 
We have heap good advice; 
But we're still short of blankets and 

A composer who lived in the ghetto. 
Once wrote out a comic libretto; 
When nobody sang it. 
He said, ''Oh, well, hang it, 
I'll sing it myself in falsetto!" 


A war correspondent named Guido 
Was struck by a flying torpedo; 

A Red Cross brigade 

Which came to his aid 
Found only a sleeveless Tuxedo! 

The people who live in Shanghai 

Seem to take great delight when they lai, 

But there isn't much doubt 

That our fishers for troubt, 
With these folks, in their falsehoods, can 

There lived in the village of Beaulieu 
A couple who'd gone there but neaulieu; 

Their child was named Vaughan 

As soon as 'twas baughan, 
But, alas, he proved treaulieu unreaulieu. 

There was an old fellow in Worcester, 
Who owned quite a famous game ror- 

But when it grew old 

It had to be sold. 
It could not fight as it urcester. 

There was a fair maid of Rhode Island, 
Who wore a continuous smile, and 

This smile grew apace 

Till it quite hid her face. 
Then it altered the map of Rhode Island. 


There once was an old man at Wemyss, 
Used to dream such remarkable dremyss, 

The folks stared aghast 

At the things he'd forecast 
And give vent to their terror in scremyss. 

There was a young man from Elora, 
Who married a girl called Lenora, 

But he had not been wed 

Very long till he said, 
"Oh, drat it! I've married a snorer!" 

An oyster from Kalamazoo 
Confessed he was feeling quite blue, 
"For," says he, "as a rule. 
When the weather turns cool, 
I invariably get in a stew!" 

A king who began on his reign. 
Exclaimed with a feeling of peign, 

"Though I'm legally heir, 

No one seems to ceir 
That I haven't been born with a breign." 

Last Sunday she wore a new sacque, 
Low cut at the front and the bacque, 
And a lovely bouquet 
Worn in such a cute wuet. 
As only few girls have the knackue. 


There was a young man of Devizes, 
Whose ears were different sizes, 

The one that was small 

Was no use at all, 
But the other took several prizes. 

In exodus of Summer days 

The dude departs in pleasant ways, 

But does forget, 

To our regret, 
The X owed us he never pays. 

"In going from Wall Street," said he, 
"To Harlem, how long shall I be?" 

And the answer was, "Well, 

It's two hours by the L, 
Or take the express and it's three." 

A certain young damsel in Lent 
Said she surely must weep and repent. 

For miss-steaks so undone. 

And miss-steaks overdone. 
Or "attentions" would never be meant. 

There was a fair maid who would sigh. 
"Ah, love is a torture!" she'd cry; 

Said her pa, "Tommyrot! 

'Tisn't love that you've got, 
'Tis a mixture — pork, puddin' and pie." 


She was thought enigmatic in Leicester, 
Till her best fellow one day careicester, 

A riddle before, 

She's a riddle no more. 
Because, you'll observe, he had geicester. 

A rheumatic old man of White Plains, 
Who will never stay in when it rains, 
Has a home full of drugs, 
Kept in little brown jugs — 
That's all th^at he gets for his pains. 

There was m old chap of Sag Harbor, 
Who never would go to a barber. 

He said, '^What's the use? 

Let n\v whiskers run loose, 
And they'll soon round my face form an 

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, 
Watching his chips mount high; 
He sat awhile grinning, 
Then said, ''Ha! I'm winning. 
What a v/lzard at poker am I." 

There wt^s an old shark with a smile 
So hwad you could see it a mils. 
He said to his friends 
As he sewed up the ends, 
"It >v^i really too wide for the style." 


A lady who deftly crocheted, 

A terrible temper depleted, 
On finding when through 
That a dropped stitch or twough 

Has spoiled the contrivance she'd meted. 

An urchin who lived in Butte, 
Vivaciously ate of green frutte, 

The doctor was 'phoned, 

The little boy moaned. 
His bread basket pains were acutte. 

A sailor boy named Happy Jack, 
At school did his cranium crack, 

To elevate pupils, 

And, having few scruples, 
He wickedly tried a new tack! 

Though a young man of football 

His heart was exceedingly wique, 

While he much loved the maid ' 

He was so afraid 
That he hadn't the courage to spiquc. 

A little boy down in Natchez 
Sat upon powder and matchez, 

For the seat of war 

He hankers no more, ' 

Though re-enforced v/ell with patchez. 


Don't talk to me of the busy bee, 
Improving each shining minute, 

With the fly that waits 

For hairless pates 
That bee is noway in it. 

There was an old woman said, ^'How 
Shall I flee from this terrible cow? 

I will sit on a stile 

And continue to smile, 
It may soften the heart of the cow." 

*^I am not a cynic,'' he softly remarked, 
"I am fond of my fellow-man; 

But, just the same, 

I paint my name 
On umbrellas as quick as I can." 

He proudly led her down the aisle. 
His face all wreathed in happy smaisle; 

But when the preacher said, "Do 

She sobbed, "I hardly think I do — 
I'd better wait a whaisle." 

A dashing young soldier named Itsky, 
By a Japanese bullet was hitsky, 

He said, "I'll not fight, 

I don't think it's right. 
And instead I will git up and gitsky." 


There once was a corpulent carp, 
Who wanted to play on a harp, 

But to his chagrin, 

So short was his fin 
That he couldn't reach up to C sharp. 

A poet w^hose first name was Peter, 
On edge of Fame often did teeter; 

But he sadly lacked might, 

And his verse w^as so light. 
It was measured by common gas meter. 

The lands of the Sioux are open, 'tis 

To the hardy white settler who likes all 

things nioux; 
But what will he dioux 
When the frolicsome Sioux 
Swoop down on him, scalp him and chop 

him in tioux? 

A Javanese pig-tailed macaque 
Complained of a dreadful bacaque; 
But they gave him some pills 
That soon cured all the ills 
Of the Javanese pig-tailed macaque. 

Said a bicycle boy, "Now, then, 
I will ride like the racing men!" 
But he got into trouble, 
For he bent himself double. 
And couldn't bend back again. 


A fellah went home in a hansom, 
He had been out all evening to dansom; 
And he sighed, "Well, that's queer, 
There is no keyhole here!'' 
So he threw his hat over the transom. 

\ A decrepit old gas man named Peter, 
\ While hunting around for the meter, 
\ Touched a leak with his light, 
\ He arose out of sight, 
t And, as anyone can see by reading this, it 
' also destroyed the meter. 

Said a Reub who lived near Natohitoches 
And often wore his mackintoches, 

"These showers will woches, 

But the forecasts, begoches. 
Are simply just a pack o' boches." 

Whenever she looks down the aisle, 
She gives me a beautiful smaisle. 

And of all of her beaux 

I am certain she sheaux 
She likes me the best of the whaisle. 

At the classics he'd ne'er had a chance; 
But in wisdom he led the whole dance. 

Forsooth he was able 

To take a time table 
And tell what it meant at a glance. 


There was a young fellow who sat 
Quite thoughtlessly flat on his hat. 

He reposed there a while 

And so altered its style, 
That he uses it now for a mat. 

There w^as a disgusting old man, 
Who used to eat catch-as-catch-can. 
He covered his vest 
With remains of the best 
Of the gravy and chicken and ham. 

Some day, ere she grows too antique, 
In marraige her hand I shall sique. 
If she's not a coquette — 
Which I'd greatly regrette — 
She shall share my six dollars a wique. 

There was a fair maid from Decatur, 
Who was known as a red-hot potatur. 

To the jungles she went 

On mission work bent, 
Where a dozen fat savages atur! 

A rogue met a pretty young Mrs., 
A widow, and stole a few krs. 

And the lady, though she was as- 
Said she'd waive prosecution. 
If he'd make restitution. 
So the felony was compounded. 


There was an old woman of Mocha, 
Who struck at her spouse with a pocha. 

He said, ''Oh, my deah. 

Your manners are queeah, 
But, then, I suppose you're a jocka." 

He asked the policeman his No., 
When he woke from a much-needed slo. 

But the copper got hot 

And clubbed him a lot. 
Then hid on a big pile of lo. 

Two maidens were seated at t, 
Discussing the things that may b. 
"I think I'll wed Willie," 
Said Mollie to Millie, 
''That is, if he asks me, you c." 

There once was a wonderful ape. 
Who gave up his skin for a cape. 
Now he swings in the trees, 
All exposed to the breeze, 

Which leaves him in very bad shape. 

He sent a perfumed billet-doux 
To a maiden aged thirty and tioux. 

It expressed inclination 

Toward annexation. 
And she telegraphed, "I'm your loux- 


^^Fve been dreaming, yes, dreaming of 

Said the maiden, so tender and true. 

*'For I have a bad habit 

Of eating Welsh rarebit, 
And there's no telling what that will do." 

There once was a silly Welsh rabbit, 
Who had the preposterous habit 

Of saying, ''Now, I 

Spell my name with a y 
And a w — when I can grab it." 

There was a young man named Furlong, 
Who took for his wife a girl, Long, 

In a year or so. 

And all in a row. 
His family reached a mile long. 

N. B. — Eight furlongs equal one mile. 

The Sultana wore trousers of tafifeta, 
(Having purchased a yard and a hatfeta, 

Bargain), and now. 

See the courtiers kow-tow! 
No-da soul of them ventures to laffeta. 

A young man in the city of Sioux 
Loved a maid with a million or tioux. 

But the papa said, "Nay," 

And the youth went away. 
Urged on by the stern parent's shioux. 


Mary had a little goat 

That was full of whims and humors; 

Old bills and paste 

Were quite his taste. 
But he choked on Mary's bloomers. 

They were married in Washington, D. C, 
And each soon considered the other N. G., 
Whereat she fled to Sioux Falls, S. D., 
While he took his flight out to Guthrie, 

O. T., 
And now they are once again happy and 


He gave her some kind of elixir, 
When she said to him, 'Tm sixir," 

But it tasted so bad, 

That the lady got mad. 
And said, "It's a very mean trixir." 

There was a young man from the city, 
Who saw what he thought was a kitty. 

To make sure of that 

He gave it a pat. 
They buried his clothes — what a pity! 

"There's a train at 4.04," said Miss Jenny, 
"Four tickets I'll take. Have you any?" 

Said the man at the door, 

"Not four for 4.04, 
For four for 4.04 are too many." 


A prudish young miss of Oshkosh 
Slipped up on an overripe squash; 
Good breeding is great, 
But I grieve to relate 
She forgot all her French in her much 
confused state, 
And the comment she made was, '^Oh, 

Here lies a young lady named Alexis, 
Who angered a mule down in Texis, 

The mule in the fight 
First led with his right. 
Then put in his left on the plexis! 

"There once was a sporting young Dr., 
Who wasn't afraid of the Fr., 

And as for his sr., 

I often have kr., 
Though her ma said such goings-on sr." 

Six Sikhs asked the steward to fix 
Them a nice little stew at 6.06, 
But the wind blew a gale. 
And they rushed to the rail, 
For six Sikhs were seasick at 6.06. 

There was a young man of Ostend, 
Who vowed he'd hold out till the end. 

But, when half way over. 

From Calais to Dover, 
He done what he didn't intend. 


A girl who was quite an adept, 
As to Reginald's elbow she crept, 

Whispered into his ear, 

^'This is leap year, my dear; 
Don't you think you could leap?" — And 
he "lept." 

If the sun sets clear on Friday night. 
Make fast your stops and hatchway. 

For the wind will blow, 

And it's like to snow 
Before this time on Monday. 

There once was a thin man called Jno., 
Whose clothes hung him loosely upno; 
His facetious friends' loans 
Always were for five "bones," 
For he looked like a mere skeletno. 

Though he never would marry, swore 

In due season he led to the alt 

A most beautiful maid, 

And the witnesses said. 
That he blenched not, nor did he once fait. 

They say there's a servant to Cupid, 
Whose duty it is to keep track 

Of the number of kisses 

That misters and misses 
Are giving each other, ker-smack. 


As a dutiful man who is married, 
I think that he ought to find time, 

This keeper of blisses 

To also watch Mrs. — 
You may fit any name to this rhyme. 

A fair, witty widow of few years 
Swore she'd never more gossip on New 
Year's ; 
But that very night 
She'd forgotten it quite 
And told all that she'd heard the past two 

The Bishop preached; "My friends,'^ said 

"How sweet a thing is charity. 

The choicest gem in virtue's casket." 
"It is, indeed,' sighed Miser B., 

"And instantly I'll go and — ask it." 

He belonged to a gallant drum corps. 
Tried to mash a young girl in the strops, 

But she thought him quite rude 

And called him a dude, 
And never would speak to him morps. 

There was a young indigent Dr., 
Called in by a woman named Prr., 

With a batt'ry he shr.. 

Quite senseless he knr.. 
Ten plunks was the sum that he sr. 


A clever young man at the Sault 

Bit off more than he safely could chault, 

And the people all shout, 

Now the cash has run out, 
"We'll sault yoult — that's what we will 

There was a young lady at Bingham, 
Who knew many songs, and could sing 
But she couldn't mend hose. 
And she wouldn't wa^iJi clothes, 
Or help her old mother io wring 'em. 

They tell this of Julius Caesar, 
That he put some ice in a freezer. 
Observing to Brutus, 
"We'll chill it to suit us!' 
Now, he was a funny old geezer. 

In the name of something dinolonel^ 
Angelic, human or infolonel, 

Will some one tell me, 

Why is it we spell it thus— Colonel >• 

A fellow whose first name was Oscar 
Sat watching the opera, "Tosca," 
Till the plot grew so deep 
That they sang him to sleep, 
And he dreamed he was dnving 4 hoss 


Unrefined and quite vulgar's Aug. 

Who has frequently sworn at and C ; 
Though we've said we'd instruct him 
How he ought to conduct him, 

He declines, for he seems to distr. 

The inventor, he chortled with glee, 
As they fished his airship from the sea, 

"I shall build," and he laughed, 

"A submarine craft, 
And, perhaps, it will fly," remarked he. 

There was an old lady of Rye, 
Who was baked by mistake in a pie, 
To the household's disgust 
She emerged through the crust. 
And exclaimed, with a yawn, *Where 
am I?" 

There was a young man who said, ''why 
In the butter came this pesky fly? 

Let me tell you, that's flat, 

I would eat a door mat 
As soon as warm butter with fly." 

He gave her a ring in September, 
That day he will ever remember; 

She proved a coquette. 

And his ring he wdll get 
Back again on the last of January. 


There was a young man with poor sight, 
Whom a lady to call did invight, 

He kicked her pet Skye, 

As he tried to pass bye, 
And ran when he got a good bight. 

He once wrote a novel of passion. 
Which he fancied to take in some cash on; 

But it was no success, 

For his heroine's dress 
Was fully a year out of fashion. 

A young woman whose surname was 

Set out on a visit to Gloucester, 

She traveled all day 

In a roundabout way, 
And nobody knew what it cost her. 

A Frog once gave an afternoon tea. 
And invited a Rooster and a Bee; 

Frog sat in the middle, 

And gave them a riddle, 
"And this is the riddle," said he: 

"Dear Friends, can either of you tell me, 
Why is a Rooster like a Bee?" 

They both answered, "Yes, sir; 

WeVe each a good guesser. 
And we each have a comb, you see." 


They tell of a girl of Duluth, 

Who had what she called a "sweet" tooth ; 

So large did it seem 

That a gallon of cream 
Sufficed not to fill it, in sooth I 

A young man on the journey had met her, 
And he tried just his hardest to get her; 
He knelt at her feet, 
Said, "I'll die for you, sweet," 
And she cruelly told him he'd better. 

The lady GirafiPe for the ballroom was 

In the latest decollete style, ' " 

When a dashing young beau, 

The good-looking Dodo, 
Stepped up to her side with a smile. 

"My dear Miss Giraflfe," said he with a 

"You're the fairest of maids at the ball. 
And yet if your neck 
Should grow longer a speck 

You would need to wear nothing at all." 

The cobbler doesn't cobbie with a cob. 
The gobbler doesn't gobble with a gob, 
And the slouchy man or nobby 
Who's afflicted with a hobby 
Hasn't always had to get it playing hob. 


A young woman longing for f ayme, 
Insisted on spelling it ''Mayme," 

She went on the stage, 

But much to her rage, 
She had to walk home just the sayme. 

She arrived home tired and layme, 

But chock full of pluck and quite gayme ; 

So as cookess she hired, 

And is still much admired, 
Though Mary Ann now is her nayme. 

The pickler doesn't pickle with a pick, 
The tickler doesn't tickle with a tick, 
And it doesn't always follow, 
When there's ugliness to swallow, 
That the stickler has to stickle with a 

I once owned a roving hog. 
And likewise a little dog. 
Whom I chained unto a log, 
To keep him from a bog 

Which was near. 
That my faithful little dawg, 
Despite the chain and lawg, 
Would pursue that roving hawg 
And get drown-ed in the bawg 

Was my fear. 


One Umra, of Jandol the Khan, 
Says, "Fll capture an Englishman. 
But John Bull attacks him 
With guns known as Maxim 
And blows him to Afghanistan. 


A shopkeeper out at West Farms 
Has twelve new patent burglar alarms, 

And he says, "While expensive, 

This plan so defensive. 
Assures me sound slumber's sweet 

There's a girl out in Ann Arbor, Mich., 
To meet whom I never would wich, 

She'd eat of ice cream 

Till with colic she'd scream. 
And yet order another big dich. 

But the girl I met way down in Me., 
Of all girls gave mc most pe. ; , 
She knew enough to chew gum, 
But not enough, near, to come 
In the house to get out of the re. 

A simple old farmer, McVeagh, 
Whom every one said was a jeagh, 

Fell in with a man 

On the confidence plan, 
And now he is back making heagh. 


A miss is as good as a mile, 
A kiss is as good as a smile, 

But four painted kings 

Are the beautiful things 
That are good for the other man's pile. 

But how the smile flattens out, 
When with exultant shout, 

Four solitaire aces 

Turn up their faces 
To put that king man to rout. 

The owner of Polly the Parrot 
Swore off with the New Year's dawn, 

But the obstinate Polly 

Said, ^'Well, by golly, 
I mean to go swearing on!" 

There was a young urchin of Wye, 
Who when asked, "Could he eat a mince 

Simply nodded his head. 

As he artlessly said, 
"Bring out all wot you've got an' I'll try!" 

There was a young man named Polk, 
Who at the racetrack went brolk, 

Now he had to eat. 

So in Water street 
He left his new ulster in solk. 


An immaculate, swell young man 
A custom-made, trim young man, 

A dasher, a crasher, 

A female heart smasher, 
A glass-in-his-eye young man. 

For months he had tried to coax 
The papers to print his joax, 
But 'twas all in vain, 
So his mammoth brain 
In alcohol now he soax. 

A very wxU-dressed young man, 
A plump, well-built young man. 

Despising frivolity, 

Still full of jollity— 
Quite up-to-date young man. 

Unto his sweltering garret. 
Ye poet now doth climb. 
And writeth out a sonnet, 
Perspiring freely on it, 
About ye Xmas time. 

There was a young man in Marquette, 
Who knew that he oughtn't to buette, 

But he did just the same 

On some kind of game, 
And he hasn't got over it yuette. 


There was an old woman with a bonnet, 
And the birds of the air perched upon it; 

Said she, "I don't care 

If all the birds in the air 
Should come and perch on my bonnet." 

On the banks of the Yangtsekiang, 
The Cossack urged on his mustang, 
And attempted to shoot, 
But his gun caught a root 
And went off with a terrible bang. 

A Jap went on board of Etruria, 
To sail for Japan and Manchuria, 

He felt fit for a fight. 

But before it was night 
He was feeding his pet infusoria. 

A young English woman named St. John 
Met a red-skinned American It. John, 

Who made her his bride 

And gave her beside 
A costume with gaudy bead Frt. John. 

The teacher a lesson he taught. 
The preacher a sermon he praught. 

The stealer he stole. 

The heeler he hole, 
And the screecher he awfully scrought. 


The long-winded speaker he spoke, 
The seeker of wealth he soke, 

The runner he ran, 

The dunner he dan. 
And the shrieker he horribly shroke. 

The pigeon to Belgium flew, 
The buyer on credit he bew, 

The doer he did. 

The suer he sid, 
And the liar (a fisherman) lew. 

The writer this nonsense he wrote, 
The fighter (an editor) fote. 

The swimmer he swam, 

The skimmer he skam, 
And the biter was hungry and bote. 

Her old sweetheart, a fellow named 

When he heard the news said, "I'll 
A lesson or two; 
I'll make them feel blue 
As soon as I'm able to reauchamp." 

He invited his side partner, Cholmondely, 
To assist him, but he acted gloimondely. 

Just sat still and heard. 

But said not a word, 
Expressing unwillingness doimondely. 


So Beauchamp, whose home was in 

Returned there convinced he had 
Nor grieved at her fate 
When he heard that in hate 
Her spouse o'er a precipice toucester. 

There was a fiancee of Brill, 
iWhose mother cried, "Bless my heart, 

To hear you keep on 

About you and your John 
Is enough to make any one ill!" 

An inventor set sail from Rangoon 
On a flying machine to the moon; 
He has not yet come back, 
And his wife, who's in black, 
Hopes to draw his insurance check soon. 

There was a young man of Crewkerne, 
Who believed he had nothing to learn, 

So to round out his life 

He married a wife. 
And now — well, he's having his turn! 

In plain spoken English, '^ 'tis tough" 
When a man to a girl does blough 

About all the ''dough" 

On her he'd bestough. 
And lots of other such stough. 


A patriot living at Omsk, 

Started out with the army to romsk; 

But he frosted his feet 

And was heard to repeat, 
*^Gee whizzki, I wish I was homsk!" 

But when that young maiden benign, 
Discovers he's not so divign, 

She cries, ''Oh, you dunce, 

I did love you wunce. 
But my love now at home FU confign." 

This is so the entire world through. 
You imagine a maiden loves yough — 

Like the wind bends the bough, 

You are bent by the rough, 
Then left and forsaken — bough-wough. 

They went for a ride with the duque. 
To show him the sights of Dubuque, 

Till he said, "That's enough, 

This is only a blough," 
Which I knew wasn't bad for a duque. 

Said the man, who while fishing at May- 
Hauled out an old turtle with gray hair, 
"Some things, it would seam. 
Are dipped from the stream 
That would have done better to stay 


A farmer, while planting some saygo, 
Fell back in the creek at Newaygo, 

He crawled out, alack! 

With a crick in the back, 
And was sick for a week with lumbaygo. 

There was a young girl of Strelitza, 
Whose mother she ups and she hits her; 

The cause of these knocks 

Was her sister's new socks. 
For she cried, ''Why, Fm blowed if they 
fits her!" 

An ambitious lobster declared he would 

And started to practice one day in the 
With a starfish for teacher, 
A dismal old preacher. 
Who tied up his notes with a piece of red 

He showed his five points — which the lob- 
ster had not — 
Which, if he'd sing right, must surely be 

So the lobster said, "Aw!" 
Seized the star in his claw. 
And ate him, then sang very well on the 



The crop being in, as je'd planned, 
Je said that the jarvest was grand, 

And vowed from jis jeart, 

That the jeaviest part 
Was done by jis jonest jired jand. 

There was a young lady named Moll, 
Who purchased a new parasol. 

With a handle so long 

That she had to be strong 
Or she couldn't have lugged it all. 

She met a young man who, 'twas plain. 
Was staggering with might and main 

To steady his gait 

'Neath the terrible weight 
Of his dreadfully cumbersome cane. 

So intent was the beautiful Moll, 
In lugging her long parasol. 

That she passed the young swain 

With the cumbersome cane, 
And nevermore saw him at all. 

What a narrow escape for that swain! 
Had she recognized him he would fain 

Have lifted his hat. 

But how could he do that 
And carry his cumbersome cane? 


Says Russia in sadness, "I dreadoff 
Japanovich hailstorms of leadoff; 

Unless the small Japski 

Shall meet a mishapski 
I fear that he'll blow my darned headoff." 

Says China, whose skin is still flabby, 
''Wha' fo' white man allee time grabee? 

Wait till one Japanee 

Kill-um Russia, then we 
Drive-um out all white devils — you 

Says Germany, ^'Sooch a gondition 
Makes varfare von fine, holy mission; 

So der Dutch beoples are 

In cahoots mit der Czar, 
Gott und Vilhelm und China's partition." 

Says France, "Ah, ze warfare romantique. 
Where ze armies manoeuvre and antic. 

So my heart go rub-dub, 

Just ze Kaiser to drub, 
For ze smell of ze smoke mek me fran- 

tique ! 


Says pestiferous, small San Domingo, 
''I make a da warfare, by jingo ! 

And da's-a all fight; 

But I mus' be polite 
To da malo American gringo." 


Says wise Uncle Sam, "Wa-al, I figgers 
That my issue ain't Russia or niggers; 

But I will, and I shall. 

Make that gol-darned canal. 
So I'll turn all my bay-nets to diggers." 

This gloomy young man from Squedunk 
Is burning his clothes in a trunk; 
You can see, if you try. 
That there's blood in his eye — 
He sat down in the woods on a — mephitis 

There was a young husband named 

Whose wife flirted morn, noon and 
He murmured, ^^Dear, dear! 
I would fain interfere. 
If I knew how to do it politely." 

The actress who got one bouquet 
Was mad as a hatter, they suet, 

Her order was seven. 
And the florist had gotten his puet. 

There was a grass widow named Totten, 
Who stuck to divorces like cotton; 

When they asked, "Who is he?" 

She answered, 'Search me — 
He's a husband, perhaps, I've forgotten!" 


She was a maid from Kalamazoo, 
Charming and young and witty, too. 

And wealthy, it was said; 
And yet, for all she was so fair. 
And traveled widely here and there, 

She had never a chance to wed. 

For when men heard the awful name 
Of the Michigan town from which she 

They always ceased to woo; 
Por each one said it would hurt his pride 
To tell his friends he'd sought for a bride, 

A girl from Kalamazoo. 

A conceited young man at Cape Nome 
Composed a most wonderful pome; 

For feet and for metre 

He said, ''You can't betre 
With any gas company home.'' 

A soldier who lived at Irkutsh 
Was fat and a coward to bootsk. 

When he went out to fight 

At the first bloody sight 
He'd hunt for a good chance ter scootsk. 

A pirate who hailed from Nertskinskif 
Became so exceedingly thinskif 
That while cleaning his gun. 
When the day's fight was done, 
He looked down the bore and fell inskif. 


He had worn a colored blazer on the Nile, 
He had sported spats in Persia, just for 
style ; 
With a necktie quite too utter, 
In the streets of old Calcutta, 
He had stirred up quite a flutter for a 

The maids of Java thronged before his 

Attracted by the trousers that he wore! 
And his vest — a bosom-venter — 
Shook Formosa to its centre. 
And they hailed him as a mentor by the 

On his own ground as a "masher" on the 

He outdid a Turkish Pasha, who stood 
treat ; 
He gave Shanghai the jumps. 
And their cheeks stuck out like humps. 
At the patent-leather pumps upon his feet. 

But he called upon a 'Peka girl one night, 

With a necktie ready-made, which wasn't 


And she looked at him, this maid did. 

And he faded, and he faded, 

And he faded, and he faded out of sightl 


There was a young maid of Passaic, 
Who with coughs was each night kept 

Till the doctor for fee 

Prescribed a troche, 
And she now snores in measure trochaic. 

A wise man exploring the Nile 
Said, "The Sphinx is no doubt all the 

But yonder there be 

Other ruins, I see, 
And I'll peer-amid those for awhile. 

There once was a lonesome lorn spinster, 
And luck had for years been ag'inst 'er; 

When a man came to burgle, 

She shrieked with a gurgle, 
"Stop, thief, while I call in a minister!" 

I take this piece of plumbago 
To tell you I have the lumbago ; 
I shall hie me away 
For a week and a day. 
For I feel like a very bum Dago. 

There once was a husky young Mr., 
Who hugged hard each girl as he kr. ; 
And he kissed with such glee 
That his girl exclaimed, "See! 
Your lips, upon mine, raised a blr." 


A charming young belle of the Sioux 
Stooped over to lace up her shioux, 
But she said as she laced, 
"I must have these replaced, 
For I see they no longer will dioux." 

Said a youth, as the sleigh-bells did jingle, 
"All the blood in my veins is a-tingle, 

When I think that for me 

You my fair bridle be," 
But she said, "I remain, dear sur-cingle!" 

Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran 
Fell in love with Maria McCann, 
With a yell and a whoop 
He cleared the front stoop 
Just ahead of her papa's brogan. 

The chic Mrs. Nottingham-Corso 

Had her ball gown cut low, only more sol 

When she asked, ''How's the dress?" 

Her husband said, ''Bess, 
Don't you think you'll catch cold in your 

There's a light in the window for me 

To enable my eyes to see 

That the other fellow's got there ahead. 
And I'd better go home to my folding 

For the evening is cold for three. 


There was a young man of Antigua, 
Whose friends all exclaimed, 'Why, how- 
You would get awful rich 
If you'd advertise which 
Health food caused that change in your 

There was a young man in Podunk, 
Who once tried to capture a skunk; 

The skunk got away, 

And that young man to-day 
Has his clothes camphored up in a trunk. 

A naughty young maid of Des Moines 
On a trapeze in midair did toins, 
Till one night, ofif she fell 
And went straightway to — well. 
No matter 'bout others' concoins. 

A gallant young man of Duquesne 
Went home with a girl in the ruesne; 

She said, with a sigh, 

^'I wonder when Igh 
Shall see such a rain-beau aguesne." 

A certain young maiden named Emma 

Was seized with a horrible tremma, 

She swallowed a spider, 

Which stung her inside her — 

Oh, my! what an awful dilemma. 


A certain young gallant named Robbie 
Rode his steed back and forth in the 
When they told him, '^Indoors 
Is no place for a horse," 
He replied, ''Well, you see, it's my 

A young lady sings in our choir, 

Whose hair is the color of phoir, 

But her charms are unique. 

She has such a fair chique. 

It is really a joy to be nhoir. 

I dreamed that I dwelt in marble halls, 
With vassals bedecked in gold. 

And those halls I walked 

With twins that squawked, 
And maybe my feet weren't cold. 

There was a young w4fe of Antigua, 
Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you 

He said, "Oh, my queen! 

Is it manners you mean. 
Or do you refer to my fig-u-a?" 

There w^as a young person named Willy 
Whose actions were what you'd call silly; 

He went to a ball. 

Dressed in nothing at all. 
Pretending to represent Chili. 


There was a young man of Killarney, 
Who was chock full of what is called 
He would sit on a stile 
And tell lies by the mile 
Would this dreadful young man of Kil- 

A certain young woman named Hannah 
Slipped down on a piece of banana, 

She shrieked and oh, my'd. 

And more stars she spied 
Than belong to the star-spangled banner. 

A gentleman sprang to assist her. 

And picked up her mufif and her wrister. 

"Did you fall, ma'am?" he cried. 

"Do you think," she replied, 
"I sat down for the fun of it, mister?" 

Said a chap in an off-handed way, 
To a damsel coquettish and gay, 

"I wonder if I 

Had the heart to apply 
For a kiss, would I get it or nay?" 

Then the maiden with cunning replied, 
"Such requests should be always denied; 

It is safer and best 

To defer your request. 
At least until after you've tried," 


Dickery, dickery, dock, 
The mouse ran up the clock 

On Mabel's hose, 

To seek repose 
Beneath the cyclist's frock. 

Dickery, dickery, dare, 

He found some bloomers there; 

But nary gown, 

So he came down, 
Dickery, dickery, dare! 

In a rainstorm a girl of renown 

Insisted on going dow^ntown. 
But the umbrella's leaks 
Wet the bloom on her cheeks, 

And it dropped down and ruined her 

As we've seen the young girl was no saint. 
And she lodged a most mighty complaint; 

She raved and she swore 

At the man in the store 
For not selling her waterproof paint. 

There was a young girl of Madrid, 
Whose bike went amiss on the skid. 
The bike it was broken. 
And words they were spoken, 
I'm sorry she did, but she did! 


A young man, whose first name was Geo., 
Once ventured his pa's check to feo. ; 

But they quickly found out 

What this youth was about. 
And compelled him at once to disgeo. 

Now Geo. had a brother named Jno., 
And though all his money was gno., 

Just as honest was he 

As a man could well be. 
So he put his wife's jewels in pno. 

There wanst was two cats at Kilkenny, 
Each thought there was one cat too many, 

So they quarrell'd and fit, 

They scratch'd and they bit. 

Till, excepting their nails 

And the tips of their tails, 
Instead of two cats, there weren't any. 

There was a young maid of Manilla, 
Whose favorite cream was vanilla. 

But sad to relate, 

Though you piled up her plate, 
'Twas impossible ever to fill her. 

A certain old maid of Cohoes, 

In despair, taught her bird to propose; 

But the parrot, dejected. 

At being accepted, 
Shrieked words too profane to disclose. 


A man owned a cow in Nantucket, 
She knew a square meal when she struck 
One night she broke in 
To the oats — cleaned the bin, 
And the next day this cow kicked the 

"My beauty," said Chesterfield Lance, 
''This Haymarket coat, w^U enhance," 
But his pride took a fall, 
When he heard a kid brawl, 
''Get on to the lady in pants." 

There was an old man with a skewer 
Who hunted a hostile reviewer, 
"I'll teach him,' he cried, 
"When I've punctured his hide. 
To call my last novel impure." 

Once did Sir Jim, in armor tin, 
Take tea with Lady Bowsers. 
With manner free 
She split some tea 
And rusted Jim's best trousers. 

There was a fair Philippine maid 

Who walked in the streets unarrayed. 

When asked why she did it 

She replied: I should fidget 

If dressed, for my best frock is frayed." 


An eccentric old man of Cohoes 
Always bought "Children's size" suits of 
clothes ; 
"I can never decide 
When ril need them," he cried, 
"Second childhood comes quick — good- 
ness knows." 

From Paris Maude ordered her bonnet, 
'Twas a "poem," "creation," a "sonnet," 

But the sight of the bill 

Made her dear father ill, 
And as for the rampage — he's on it. 

There once was a^^al fellow, 
Who grew .ically mellow; 

With a — he was gone 

To the town of : 
To write for a sheet that was yellow. 

Her etamine skirt was a winner 
Till a billy-goat ate it — the sinner — 
Then he said, with a grunt, 
" 'Twas a pretty tough stunt. 
And I feel like I'd etamine dinner." 

There was a young Theolog. Rev., 
Who preached till it seemed he could 

His hearers thought thus. 

There resulted a fuss — 
Now a pillow's attached to her Neth. 


"When you are hungry," the fool crank 
"The best thing to eat is an apple." 
The Philadelphian laughed in glee; 
"IVe something better than that," 
said he. 
As he went on eating his scrapple. 

There was a young girl named O'Dell, 
Who, while walking down Chestnut 
Street fell. 

She got up with a bound, 

And looked all around. 
And said in a deep voice, "Oh, H — II" 

A messenger boy named Mercurius, 
One day earned a dime that was spurious. 

He turned that one in. 

Spent the other for gin. 
And made his pa, Jupiter, furious. 

There was a young girl from New York, 
Whose ancestors all came from Cork, 

Who possessed an idea 

That in order to be queer 
She had to eat soup with a fork. 

He fell in love with a dairy maid, 

Alas! for Cupid's blindness! 
He found that she had, for such as he, 
Not a bit of what, is said to be, 
The milk of human kindness. 


A belligerent wren once wattacked an old 
when — 
By wrage and wresentment win- 
duced — 
But the wrow wasn't wlong, 
For the wren, wyoung and wstrong, 
Wrushed the wrathful old when off the 

A certain young lady at Golden 
Once sought her best beau to embolden 
By observing, '^Don't you 
Think one chair's 'nuff for two?" 
And now, when he calls, she is holden. 

There was a young Chink from Pekin, 
Who tried to talk English like sin. 

For whenever an ''r" 

His progress would jar 
He pronounced it like — ell, as in Lynn. 

A certain young man of great gumption, 
'Mongst cannibals had the presumption 

To go — but, alack! 

He never came back. 
They say 'twas a case of consumption. 

When Mrs. Lattimer had twins 
Papa cried, *Thilopena!" 

And one was plump 

And one was thin. 
Could anything be meaner? 


Young Mrs. Hubbard went to the cup- 
To get her pug dog some f romage de brie. 

But none found she there, 

Her husband — the bear! 
Had eaten it all with his dinner — you see. 


This did not feaze Pa Lattimer, 
There never was a keener, 

He named the fat one 

And called the lean one "Lena." 

An ambitious, and young, Ph. D., 
Got a bid, one day, to a T, 

At the Y. M. C. A. 

And he felt like a J, 
On forgetting to R. S. V. P. 

She asked him for his autograph, 

A famous man was he; 
But she was his wife, and she wanted it 
On a check, for a sum that was lib'ral 

So he didn't feel honored, you see. 

There was a bold Briton named Pain, 
Who said, "I will cross the wide main; 

Too damp here," he cried; 

"So good-by to King Ned, 
I will leave and get out of the reign." 


'Tis strange how new newspapers honor 
The creature that's called prima donna; 

They say not a thing 

Of how she can sing, 
But talk of the clothes she has on her. 

— Eugene Field. 

Her golden hair looked well in a ''rat,'' 
And other girls were envious at that, 

Until one windy day 

Her hat sailed away. 
And her golden hair sailed away with the 

There was a young lady named Maud, 
Who at meals was a terrible fraud. 

She never was able 

To eat at the table. 
But — out in the pantry — oh. Lord! 

I know a sweet girl who's called Maude, 
Of her papa I'm very much awed, 

I'd ask his consent. 

But I think if I went 
He'd kick till I hollered, "Oh, Lawd!'' 

A newspaper man on the Isthmus 
Said, "Colonel, now what about thisth- 

The Colonel said, "Write 

That it looks like a fite, 
But I think 'twill be over by Christhmus." 


There once was a bull dog named Caesar, 
Saw a cat and thought he would taesar, 
But the cat was too fly, 
And she scratched out an eye, 
Now Caesar just sees her and flaesar. 

In the wild West there lived a young 

Who made quite a brilliant debioux 

In highest society, 

With all due propriety". 
Just as every sweet maiden should dioux. 

A dashing young fellow named Day, 
Prints the solid Muldoon at Ourray, 

When folks pay their back dues 

He's as mild as you choose, 
When they don't, there's the devil to pay. 

— Eugene Field. 

Her appearance was somewhat unique, 
And the language that maiden could 

Was truly refined, 

But a little inclined 
To be terse, like the Latin or Grique. 

Never once was her young mind opaque 
Whether she was asleep or awaque, 

For, at quick repartee, 

Either night or by dee, 
She was ready to give and to take. 


Softest eyes had she, like a gazelle, 
And her sweet voice was not like the yelle 
Of the wild Indians whioux 
Had reared that young Sioux, 
And had taught her to write, read and 

I ate cake, and Salina ate jelly, 

Salina went home with a pain in her 

Now don't be excited. 

And don't be misled, 
Salina went home with a pain in her head! 

In Leadville a certain girl's bonnet 
Has four yards of ostrich plumes on it, 

While her sister, poor thing. 

Wears a red rooster wing, 
And that is the cause of this sonnet. 

— Eugene Field. 

There was a young maiden of Gloucester, 
Who loved in the sea, to disport her, 

She sat on a nail, 

Then turned very pale. 
And jumped backward into the water. 

There was a young fellow named Tape 
Who always wore trousers of crape, 
When asked if they'd tear, 
He replied, "Here and there, 
But they hold such an elegant shape." 


There was a sculptor named Phidias, 
Whose statues were perfectly hideous, 

He made Aphrodite 

Without any nightie, 
And shocked the ultra-fastidious. 

Now when Aphrodite by Phidias 
Had shocked the ultra-fastidious, 
Then all the old aunties 
Swore she must wear panties, 
Which made her look perfectly hideous. 

And if all the old aunties will squeal-o 
Because statues don't wear a great deal-o, 

Then for heaven's sake ask 

That a loose-fitting basque 
Be made for the Venus de Milo! 

There was a young lady named Perkins, 
Who was exceedingly fond of green ger- 

She ate a whole quart. 

Which was more than she ought. 
For it pickled her internal workin's. 

A dashing young cowboy named Gus, 
Got involved in a serious muss 
With a party named Berripger, 
And drawing his derringer 
He tapped him for laudable pus. 

— Eugene Field. 


There was a young lady named Anna, 
Who sang in the choir — high soprano. 
Once she slipped — going out, 
Which made the gentlemen shout, 
"We have heard, and now see your Hos- 

There was a young lady of Joppa, 
Who came a society cropper, 
She went to Ostend 
With a gentleman friend. 
And the rest of the story's improper. 

Willie, in the best of sashes, 

Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes, 

By and by 

The air grew chilly, 
But no one cared to poke up Willy. 

A young man whose fad was pajamas. 
Wore a suit made of wool from the 

The unmanly effect 

Made people suspect, 
That the outfit was really his mama's. 

There was a young man from Connecticut 
Who never had seen a girl's petticoat, 

So when one met his eye. 

He thought he should die. 
He blushed and you may "bet he cut." 



There is a clam-digger in Pelham, 
Who digs clams in purpose to sell 'em. 

People ask, "Are they nice?" 

And, "What is the price?" 
But they never can get him to tell 'em. 

A young woman of New Rochelle, 
Went round the streets ringing a bell, 
When asked why she rang it, 
She said, "Why, goU dang it. 
Can't you see that I've got things to sell?" 

There was a young maiden of Michigan, 
To meet her, I never would wish again. 

She gobbled ice-cream. 

Till with pain she would scream, 
Then called for a whole dish again. 

Said Moses to Aaron, down by the dark 

blue sea. 
The ladies here disport themselves in 

scanty drapery. 
They dive into the deep blue weaves and 

balance on their toeses, 
Of course you wouldn't dare to look, 
"To H , I won't," said Moses. 

A sculptor of nymphs and Bacchantes 
Omitted the coatees and panties. 
But a kind-hearted Madam, 
Who knew where they had 'em, 
Donated some warm "Ypsilanties." 


There was a young lady named Mabel, 
Who danced on the dining-room table, 
But she blushed very red, 
When the gentlemen said, 
*^Oh ! look at the legs on the table." 

There was a young maiden of Siam, 
Who said to her lover named Priam, 

"If you kiss me, of course, 

You'll have to use force. 
But, goodness knows, you're stronger than 
I am." 

There was an old maid of Fife, 
Who had never been kissed in her life, 
So she saw a large cat. 
And she said, "I'll kiss that," 
But the cat said, "Not on your life." 

Solomon and David led very merry lives. 
And had a most delightful time among 

their many wives, 
But when at last their blood grew thin, 
They suffered many qualms. 
Then Sol, — he wrote the Proverbs — and 

Dave, he wrote the Psalms. 

A Spaniard whose name was Jose, 
Jad justled to get in jis je; 

He took off jis jat 

And jappily sat 
Upon the fence, crying "Joore!" 


The beautiful belle of Del Norte, 
Is reckoned disdainful and horty, 
Because, during the day. 
She says, ^'Boys, keep away," 
But she yawns, in the gloaming, like 

— Eugene Field. 

A lady who lived at Bordeaux, 

Had a corn on her right little teaux; 

She borrowed a razor. 

For her skill we must praise her. 
For the corn is gone, (so is her teaux). 

Tis said that Sir Walter Raleigh 
Fell in love with a maiden named Mol- 

But he quite lost his mind 

Over all of her kind. 
Though he really was good at a Jolleigh. 

After wedding a rich heiress, Price 
Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice, 
But one thing I know. 
This watching for dough. 
Is a thing that's exceedingly nice." 

A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr," 
She seemed such an amiable heifer. 

When the farmer drew near 

She kicked off his ear. 
And now he's very much dephyr. 


Each evening a good looking Mr. 
Comes around for to visit my sr. 

One night on the stairs, 

He, all unawares, 
Put has arm round her figure and kr. 

Sam Short was so fond of Welsh rare-bit 
That his taste led him into the hare-bit 

Of spending his days 

Near the doors of cafeys, 
And when he would see one he'd grabe- 

A beautiful young man at Sigauche, 
Once courted the charming Miss Sauche, 

But w^hen she was wed 

To another, he said, 
^^My life is a horrible bauche!" 

— Eugene Field. 

Now what in the world shall we dioux, 
With the bloody and murdering Sioux, 

Who some time ago. 

Took his arrow and bow. 
And raised such a hellabelioux? 

— Eugene Field. 

When the ark was just over Genoa 
Mrs. Noah burst forth at poor Noah, 

"Who's this Joan of Arc? 

You are keeping her dark;" 
"Oh, no, I don't know her," said Noah. 


There was an old gourmet called Lamb 
Who indulged in a weakness for hamb; 

When they brought him some bacon, 

He said, ^'You're mistaken, 
For this stuff, I don't care a — b!" 

Once a Frenchman who'd promptly said 

To some ladies who'd ask him if houi 

Cared to drink, threw a fit 

Upon finding that it 
Was a tipple no stronger than toui. 

There once was a mouse that loved cheese, 
But in vain, as the scent made him sneeze, 

Till he took some cologne 

Well mixed with ozone — 
And now he says "more if you please." 

She sat away down the parquet. 

And the hat she had on was quite guet; 

But a man sat behind her, 

Who called it a blinder 
And went out and demanded his puct. 

If I should see a Thomas cat 

Eloping with a cow, 

I would not check such tender love 
Because 'tw^ould not be any of 

My business anyhow, 


A foolish young Rhode Island clam 
Said: "I will now make a salaam." 

He started in well 

But forgot heM a shell — 
He is now being charged with flimflam. 

A filial youth of Chicawgo 

When advised by his attorneys to law go,; 

Said modestly, "Pshaw! 

I'll stay home with maw 
And make paw go." 

There once was a wary prof, 
Who captured a youthful trans. 
He said, "Son, don't lie — 
Aren't you stealing a pie?" 
But the lad said, "I'm not a conf." 

There was an old maid from Duquesne 
Who the rigor of mortis did fuesne; 

She came to with a shout, 

Saying: "Please let me out; 
This coffin will drive me insuesne." 

A maiden at gay Narragansett 
Fain would two-step, but couldn't quite 
But with feet full of joy. 
By the side of her boy. 
She determined to break loose and 


There was a young girl in the choir 
Whose voice rose hoir and hoir, 

Till it reached such a height 

It was clear out of sight, 
And they found it next day in the spoir. 

A fool girl of Paris named Jane 
Once threw herself into the Seine. 

She was oflf in her head, 

The fisherman said 
Who found her. He found her in Seine. 

There was a young fellow from Me., 
Who courted a maid, but in ve. ; 

For she kicked when he kister 

And hollered for sister. 
And dared him to do it age. 

The animals down at the Zoo 
They didn't know just what to do, 
Said the tiger: ^^Methinks 
That a golf game, by jinks, 
Is really the thing." 
Then they laid out the lynx. 

A dentist who lives in Duluth 
Has wedded a widow named Ruth, 
Who is so sentimental 
Concerning things dental 
She calls her dear Second her Twoth. 


A lovelorn young man of Ky. 

Was saying sweet things to his dy. 
When her pa hove in sight 
The young fellow took flight 

And deemed his escape to be ly. 

A very sad play called "East Lynne," 

A mixture of virtue and synne ; 
Big crowds, black and white, 
Packed the house every night — 

In fact, they could hardly get ynne. 

A nobby young man of Duquesne 
Wore rubbers when there was no ruesne. 

He said: "It is wet 

In old London, you bet." 
Good gracious! The young man was 

A bashful young fellow from Md., 
Remarked to a fair one: "Oh, Dd., 

A kiss on your brow?" 

Well, he did, anyhow, 
And he vowed 'twas a rare bit from Fd. 

There was an old monk of Siberia 
Whose life it grew drearier and drearier. 

Till he broke from his cell 

With a hell of a yell 
And eloped with the Mother Superior. 


A vessel has sailed from Chicago 
With barrels of pork for a cargo; 

For Boston she's bound, 

Preceded, I've found, 
iBy another with beans from near Fargo. 

There was a young man in Decatur 
Whose head wasn't as big as a 'tatur, 

His feet were not small, 

And he had lots of gall, 
But he hadn't the brains of a tomatur. 

A canner, exceedingly canny. 

One morning remarked to his granny: 

"A canner can can 

Anything that he can, 
But a canner can't can a can, can he?" 

There was a young girl of N. Y., 
She was greatly addicted T. T. 

Her husband, of course. 

Soon got a divorce. 
And said to her: "Now then, Y. W." 

Of a sudden the great prima donna 
Cried "Heavens, my voice is a goner!" 
But a cat in the wings 
Cried, "I know how she sings," 
And finished the solo with honor. 


A youth once lived way out in Kansas, 
Who could dance fifty different dances; 
He'd of coats full three score, 
And he'd white vests galore, 
And he owned ninety-nine pairs of 

There was once a maiden in Fla., 
Who had no fall hat, so she ba., 

Little old bonnet, 

Men doted uponnet, 
But the girls said she couldn't look ha. 

A soubrette who had made a fiasco, 
In despair drank a pint of tobasco, 
Soon the hair on her head, 
Turned from yellow to red, 
And she then got a job from Belasco. 

An artist who frescoes a ceiling, 
Remarked, with an air of much feeling, 

^'The lady is Eve, 

And I'd have you believe, 
'Tis an apple she seems to be peeling." 

There was a young man named Pete, 
Who thought he was very discreet. 
Till he met a sweet girl, 
Now his brain's in a whirl, 
And he can't tell his head from his feet. 


There was a young Welchman of Mawd- 

Who was puzzled to ascertain hawddwy, 

English word "yacht," 

Could rhyme rightly with "knot," 
So he studied the poems of Sawddwy. 

A miss was once kissed on her wrist, 
Where no miss cares to be kissed; 

Said the kissed to the kisser, 

"View now my sad visor 
And take back that kiss, I insist." 

"I should think you could see that youVc 

And you'll always remain here, I fear, 
For it matters not where 
You may go, when you're there. 

You'll say to yourself, 'I am here.' " 

You see, they stole each other's hearts, 
So now they're man and wife; 
Sad punishment for common theft, 
Both of their liberty bereft. 
In wedlock's chains for life. 

The lady leaned from her lattice, 
Toward the lovelorn knight below, 
"Is that you, Fred?" she shyly said; 
But, answering not, he turned and 
For alas! his name was Joe. 


In New Orleans there lived a young Cre- 
Who, when asked if her hair were all re- 
Replied, with a shrug, 
^'Just give it a tug, 
And judge by the way that I squeole." 

There was a young lady of Norway, 
Who casually sat in a doorway! 
When the door squeezed her flat. 
She exclaimed, ''What of that?" 
This courageous young lady of Norway. 

A Spanish grandee of Havana, 
Who stepped on a bit of banana. 
Came down in the mud 
With a dull, sickening thud. 
While the band played, "The Star- 
Spangled Banner." 

YouVe seen an accomplished modiste, 
By the aid of Pointe and batiste. 

Full flare, gores, shirring a-plenty 

Make 39 look just like 20, 
Oh, isn't she a useful artiste? 

An amusing young person from Butte, 
Who wouldn't, or couldn't be mutte. 
Persistently sputtered 
And stuttered and muttered 
Till everyone else followed sutte. 


A freckled young damsel named Clarar 
Much wished to grow fairer fairer; 

So she tried cream of tartar, 

With faith of a marytr, 
And her freckles grew rarer and rarer. 

Short is the story 

Of Jimmy Gonetoglory. 

Found a stick of dynamite, then 
You couldn't see 'im ; 
Friends, though feeling tough, 
Searched till they'd enough 
To hold an interesting little 
P. M. in the P. M. 

There was a young lady of Olney, 
Who went for a ride in a polney, 

But alas! and alack! 

She fell off his back, 
In a place that was muddy and stolney. 

There was a cross chappie called Charlie, 
Whose temper was knotted and gnarly; 

He'd say, ^'Wake me at eight;" 

But would sleep on till late, 
Then wake up all snappy and snarly. 

He courted a gem of a girl, 

And told her that she was his pearl; 

But when they were married, 

Her ma came and tarried, 
Though he didn't like mother of pearl. 


There was a young maid from Ky., 
Whom the other girls thought very ly., 

As suitors galore 

Were turned from the door, 
She would cry, '^Nothing doing, my dy. !" 

She^s attended by numbers of beaux, 
When down to the seashore she geaux, 

Though it isn't her face, 

That draws them apace. 
But the Trilbyesque curves of her teaux. 

The girl on the wheel yelled: "Oh, Mr.!" 
But when a man went to asr. 

She gave him a look 

That his breath away took 
And would raise on an oak knot a blr. 

We once had a blasphemous parrot. 
That swore till we just couldn't bear it. 

When we tied up his beak. 

He learned in one week 
In the deaf and dumb language to swear 

There was an old maiden named White, 
Who slept in pajamas one night, 

As she happened to pass 

Near a large looking-glass. 
She exclaimed, "There's a man!" in de- 


Whene'er the burlesque actress lets 
Her photo go with cigarettes 

She asks not pay nor pelf, 
Because she knows this wise she gets 

Some good puffs for herself. 

There once was a young lady Dr., 
Who owned a bad parrot that mr., 
He would likewise blaspheme, 
Using language extreme — 
All of which, so the lady said, shr. 

A man hired by John Smith & Co., 
Loudly declared that he'd tho. 

Men that he saw. 

Dumping dirt near the store. 
The drivers, therefore, didn't do. 

There was once a maiden named ChoL 

Who every one said was quite Colmonde- 
Yet the maid was so shy. 
That when strangers were ny.. 
She always just stood around dolmonde- 

I've seen her smile, I've seen her weep, 
I've called her angel, times a score; 

Now that we've wed I've seen her sleep, 
And, as I've also heard her snore, 
I ne'er call her angel more. 


There was a young lady in Lawrence, 
Whose language came gushing in taw- 
Till told by her teacher, 
"Your manner, dear creacher, 
Is more than your scholarship warrence." 

They were waltzing at a bal masque, 
And he for her heart tried to ask. 

But, behold, 'twas his mother. 

Instead of another, 
So he never completed his tasque. 

As fewer hairs upon his head 

With the lapse of time, you note. 
While more hairs to be found, wot yc, 
Which fluffy long and golden be. 
Upon the shoulder of his coat? 

Two sailors who worked on a barque, 
One day went off on a larque. 
They felt very tough. 
And blew in their stough, 
And did not return till 'twas darque. 

A small boy when asked to spell "yacht," 
Most saucily said, "I will nacht." 

So his teacher in wrath. 

Took a section of lath, 
And warmed him up well on the &pacht. 


He had taken of whiskey a drachm, 
And thought he could lick Uncle Sam; 

But a tip from a cop 

Caused his courage to drop, 
And he lurched away meek as a lachm. 

A baby in Kalamazoo 

Remarked quite distinctly, "Goo-goo." 

'Twas explained by his ma. 

And likewise his pa. 
That he meant to say, ''How do you do?" 

There was a young fellow in Ga., 
Who remarked to a check, "I will Fa.!" 

And the judge gave him ten 

In the commonwealth's pen, 
"Where," he said, "they will lodge you 
and ba." 

Miss Freckle has got a new beau. 
She tells me his front name is Jeau; 

That he lives in St. Paul, 

And that late in the faul. 
To the wild, woolly West she will geau. 

When married they'll take a chateau, 
And keep twenty servants or seau, 
Just as down in Ky., 
Where folks who are ly., 
Of wxalth make a glittering sheau. 


There was a watchmaker named Quick, 
And he thought he was awfully slick, 

But he couldn't hold out. 

He went up the spout, 
He tried to do business on tick. 

There was an old salt lived in Gloucester, 
His wife was a pill yet he houcester. 

One day, they tell me, 

He took her to sea. 
And over the boat he doucester. 

*/Beg pardon, your age?" to a Boston 

Were the words which the census-man 
Though hot the day, 
In a cold, freezing way, 
She gazed on him till he was dead. 

A spinster once fell in a faint. 

While treating her face to fresh paint. 

I said, "Are you mad? 

Are you glad, sad or bad?" 
And she rose and replied, "No, I ain't." 

There was a young lady of Me., 
Who was of her beauty quite ve., 
But a freckle or two 
Later on came in view, 
And drove the young lady inse. 


A wondrous faith-healer one day, 
Had to keep all his patients at bay, 

While he hid in his booth, 

With a riotous tooth, 
Which his faith couldn't stop, strange to 

There once was a gallant knight-errant. 
Whose lady-love had a stern parent. 

He wore steel shirts and pants, 

And a sword and a lance. 
But the young folks afraid of him weren't. 

"Will you dream of me, dear one, to- 
She answered — he heard w^ith a thrill: 

"You know^ IVe a habit. 

Of eating Welch rabbit, 
And it's likely as not that I will." 

The rumpus about women's rights, 

Is but the merest tissue. 
For woman, like the question which 
Has roused her to her highest pitch. 

Is only a side issue. 

He learned to play tunes on a comb. 
And became such a nuisance at homb. 

That ma spanked him, and then — 

"Will you do it again?" 
And he cheerfully answered her "Nomb," 


If you're looking for a wife, come to Bos- 
If you're single, wish to trade, or have 
divorced one, 
You will find one there, no doubt. 
For they're lying all about, 
Like Whitcomb Riley pumpkins with the 
frost on. 

There was a young fellow from Lansing, 
Who was very devoted to dancing; 

He waltzed a girl once. 

She called him a dunce, 
Because on her toes he kept prancing. 

In a village post-office. Miss Peek 
Had a job at six plunks per week, 

But she near had a fit, 

And threatened to quit. 
When a postal came written in Greek. 

A bookworm of Kennebunk, Me., 
Found pleasure in reading Monte., 

He also liked Poe, 

And Daniel Defoe, 
But the telephone book caused him pe. 

A maiden of Chattanooga, Tenn., 
Whose name was Miss Bridget D. Hcnn, 

Was afloat on the tide, 

When she soulf ully side, 
^^I w'd like t' have wan iv thim Menn." 


The centipede was happy until the toad, 
in fun, 
Asked her, "Which leg comes after 

This worked her mind to such a pitch, 
She lay distracted in a ditch. 
Considering how to run. 

There was a young man from St. Cloud, 
Who played the trombone out aloud, 

He w^as hit by a brick. 

At the very first lick. 
But he thanked his detractors and boud. 

A man who was deeply in debt, 
Said, '^No matter whatever I gebt. 

My creditors claim 

A share of the same. 
Which makes me discouraged, you bebt." 

Said a dainty professor of Latin, 
Who dressed his pet piggie in satin: 

''If I teach her to speak 

In Norwegian and Greek, 
Do you think she'd be easier to fatten?" 

An ancient New Yorker named Pratt, 
Once went on a terrible batt. 

Whomever he saw. 

He would paste with his paw, 
And gleefully gurgle, 'Take thatt." 


What a fool a man in love can be! — 
Even I have been one of those. 
He has even been known — 
As in case like my own — 
To have gone so far as propose. 

A stranger sojourning in Iowa 
Thought of thirst he was destined to die 
Now he spends all his days 
Where the soda fountain plays, 
And has very near winked his left eye 

He brought home a fancy lawn-mower, 
And ran it each morning at 4, 

But the noveltee 

Has worn off, and he 
Perspires and pushes no mower. 

A fellow who lived on the Rhine 
Saw a fish that he w^anted to dhine. 
But how to invite him? — 
'^Ah," he said, ''I will write him!" 
So he sat down and dropped him a Ihine! 

If the billy goat only would learn 
To pull spikes, think how much he could 

The railroad would pay 

Him a dollar a day. 
And he v\'0uld have money to burn. 


A fellow sojourning in Fla., 

Got his bill from the clerk in the ca., 

And the more things he read, 

The more things he said, 
And the latter grew torrid and ta. 

As he filled up the order book pp., 
He said, ''I should get higher ww." 

So he struck for more pay, 

But, alas, now, they say. 
He is driving Fifth Avenue stst. 

There was an old gardener of Wymond- 

Who picked his tomatoes and skymond- 
That isn't the way, i» 

To keep them, they say; 
He ought to have got 'em and trymond- 

There was a famed tanner of Mousehold 
Who once made no end of a household, 

But they hanged the poor bloke 

To a neighboring oak. 
And that was the end of the tousehold. 

There was an old man up in Maine, 
Who stood all one day in the rain. 

Then at home in a strife. 

He was told by his wife, 
^^ 'Twould be well to go out there again," 


There were three young women of Birm- 
And I know a sad story concerning 'em. 
They stuck needles and pins, 
In the right revVend shins 
Of the bishop engaged in confirming 

There's a woman called Madame Tus- 

Slow sewers she shows how to sew; 
She says, "If, So-and-so, 
You sew so, you'll sew slow, 

And you'll only sew so-so, Sew so.'* 

There was an old woman took snuff, 
Who said she was happy enough. 
For she sneezed when she pleased, 
And was pleased when she sneezed, 
And that is enough about snuff. 

There was once a finicky prude, 
Who vowed she detested the nude, 

So chicken and feather 

She ate of together. 
And said 'twas decorous food. 

There was a young fellow in Flint, 
Who thought he was some on the sprint, 
But the pa of his girl 
Gave the young man a whirl. 
And now he is done up in lint. 


A jolly young lady from Kas., 
Said, "O, dear, Maud, what is this that 
Maud exclaimed, "It's a man!" 
Whereat both the girls ran, 
Saying, "Here's where the villain un- 

A distinguished old one-legged Colonel 
Once started to edit a jolonel, 

But soon in disgust 

He gave up — he was "bust" — 
"For," said he, "the expense's infolonel." 

"What will you take my picture for?" 
Inquired the anxious maid. 

"If it looks like you;' 

Said Little Boy Blue, 
"I'll take it for you, I'm afraid." 

They stood beneath the mistletoe, 
And he — of course, he kissed her. 
Her sister saw them, grew enraged, 
(You see the kisser was engaged 
To wed the kissee's sister) . 

A lunatic given to laughter 

Woke the echoes from floor to raughter; 

That the man was insane 

Was perfectly plain; 
For no one could be any daughter. 


A damsel extremely petite 

Went to purchase some shoes for her fite, 

The dealer brought eights, 

And the chronicle states, 
That the maiden's collapse was complite. 

She was wary and wily, 

And kissed him quite slyly. 

Then laughed in a murmur of glee, 

And they say the velocity 

Of his reciprocity 

Was really refreshing to see. 

There was a young man of Havanner, 
Who stepped on a peel of bananner, 

The words that he said 

As he stood on his head, 
Wouldn't do for a Sunday-school banner. 

There was a young girl of Milpitas, 
Who had an attack of bronchitis, 

And she said, "I shall cough 

My infernal head off. 
If I don't get out of Milpitas." 

There was a young man so benighted, 
He never knew when he was slighted. 

He went to a party. 

And he ate just as hearty 
As if he'd been really invited. 


There was a young girl named Molly, 

Who hated to ride on a trolly. 
She'd say, with a sigh, 
^^If the steps weren't so high, 

I'm sure that the trolley'd be jolly." 

He ordered a porterhouse steak, 
Sauerkraut, mince pie and fruit ceaki 

Then sat down to dine, 

Drank three kinds of wine, 
And retired with a bad stomach-eak. 

There was a young lad of Calcutta, 
Whenever he spoke he would stutter. 

To his teacher, said he, 

"P-p-lease t-tell me. 
Is a b-buttress a f-feminine b-butter?" 

A muscular Turk of Stamboul, 
Tried to pull out the tail of a mule, 

And the coroner's ju., 

By the body did view, 
And brought in a verdict "damphool." 

A maid who is slightly antique, 
Was grossly insulted last wique. 

Her best fellow said, 

"It is time we were waid," 
And now, it is said, they don't spique. 


There was once a maiden named Rhoda, 
Who perfectly doted on soda, 

She drank so much fiz, 

Well, it's none of my biz,. 
But it's a wonder it didn't explode her. 

There was a young man in Calcutter, 
Who was famed far and wide as a butter. 

He butted right in, 

To the high social din — 
And they carried him home on a shutter, 

She tried very hard to play euchre, 
But just thirteen seconds it tuchre 
To forget what was trump. 
Her husband hissed ''Chump," 
And her fortitude quickly forsuchre. 

There was a small boy named Hugh, 
Who carefully slipped in the shoe 

Of his pa a large tack, 

And the small boy's back 
Was afterward red, white and blue. 

A damsel who lived in Paducah 
Was anxious to dance la cachuca, 

Her hair came unpinned 

And her elbow was skinned, 
Ere her mother could come to rebuke her. 


A young man who wore a flash sash 
Went out upon Broadway to mash; 
He fell into a pud- 
Die of sticky, black mud, 
And that settled the flash sash's hash. 

As they sauntered about on the Quays, 
He ventured her dear hands to squays, 

Nor did she object, 

Because, we expect, 
'Twas a catch at which no girl might 

Young Brewster wed Adeline Worcester, 
But nobody knew what indorcester 

In writing her name 

To spell it the same, 
And make it read, ^'Adeline Brorcester." 

Araminta felt very much hurt 

That the neighbors should animadvert- 

For how should they dare? 

It was not their affair: — 
On the length of her rainy day skirt. 

A new servant maid named Maria, 
Had trouble in lighting the fire. 

The wood it was green. 

So she used gasoline, 
And she's gone where the fuel is dryer. 


The ostrich grabbed the poor music man 
And swallowed his silver trombone. 

^Tm sorry," said he, 

*^But, then, sir, you see, 
My stomach is needing a tone." 

He cried as they stood at the garden gate, 

"Oh, give me a kiss, my own, my fate;" 

Just then, as her father came that way, 

The lover got something beginning 

with "K," 
But it wasn't a kiss, I'm sorry to say. 

A noble red man of the Sioux 
Drank of firewater glasses a fioux 

He let out one wild yell. 

Then collapsed in a cell, 
Thirty days is the time he will dioux. 

A jester who had a toothache, 
To a dentist's his way did be-tache, 

But nought could assuage 

His grief and his ruage. 
When the wrong tooth was pulled by mis- 

You've probably heard many times 

Of the woman whose parrot sang chimes; 

Her name was Miss Barrett, 

She hadn't a parrot, 
But we say that she had 'cause it 


There was a young heiress called Rooker, 
And a lawyer called Luke, tried to "hook" 
But the heiress was shrewd, 
Though her question was rude, 
*^Do you look at my looks, Luke, or 

A poet swore several curses, 

"For empty," he said, "my purse is. 

My poems, alack! 

Ne'er fail to come back. 
And my verses are always reverses.' 

To write a good modern hymn, 

He struggled and scribbled with vymn, 

But he put not a bit, 

Of ragtime in it, 
And so its success was but slymn. 

A maiden caught stealing a dahlia. 
Said, "Oh, you shan't tell on me, shalia?" 

But the florist was hot. 

And he said, "Like as not 
They'll send you to jail, you bad gahlia." 

A noble young Roman named Caesar 
Once called on a maid — tried to squesar. 

But the girl, with a blush, 

Said the Latin for "Tush, 
You horrid young thing! let me baesar." 


Whatever I do, wherever I go, 

I am filled with woe, alack! 
A moment's pleasure did I know. 

But I'm sunburned now from head to 
On my arms and legs and back. 

A young lady in crossing the ocean 
Grew ill from the ship's dizzy mocean. 

She said, with a sigh. 

And a tear in her eigh, 
"Of living, I've no longer a nocean." 

There was a young lady of Gloucester, 
Who married a fellow named Foucester, 

But returned to her ma. 

And her brother and pa. 
Because the man hectored and boucestcr. 

There was a young fellow of Lee, 
Who went for a swim in the sea; 

On a rock (so he said) 

He met a mer-maid, 
Who offered him afternoon tea. 

He said he'd be always her dr.. 

For she gave him a smile when he mr. 

But she bade him be calm, 

And stop being a clam. 
For his ardent attentions upsr. 


There was a young lawyer named Pique, 
Who sported a prominent bique, 

An angry old client 

Grew very defiant, 
And gave his proboscis a twiquc 


When asked to state who wrote "Love 

and Laughter," 
Evasively, he said, "I don't haughter; 

The riddle of the sphinx 

Is an easy mark, methnx, 
I leave t'other for the great hereaughter.'' 

A lady who warbled in mezzo, 
Repined, "I am always in dezzo, 

My runs and my trills 

Could pay all my bills 
And would, if I didn't forgezzo." 

Consider now the cantaloupe. 

The sight of one fills you with houpe, 

With eager haste. 

You try a taste. 
And get a flavor like soft soupe. 

I'd rather have fingers than toes; 
I'd rather have ears than a nose, 

And as for my hair 

I'm glad it's all there; 
I'll be awfully sad when it goes. 


The use of predigested foods 

Brings up a vital question, 
Suppose man's stomach should refuse, 
All outside help, and henceforth choose 

To do its own digestion? 

There was a young fellow named Cain, 
Who w^as wicked like Mary MacLane. 

With the leg of a table. 

He slugged brother Abel, 
And shouted, "Remember the Maine." 

A young lady who lived in Dubuque, 
By her beau, later on was forsuque; 

But he quickly repented. 

And — well, she relented. 
So they married and then a flat tuque. 

It seems that old Sir Walter Raleigh 
Was in love with a maiden named 

He quite lost his head 

Over her, it is said; 
She was doubtless a real hot tamaleigh. 

There was once a school teacher named 

And her pupils — didn't she teachamp? 

For when they v/ere bad, 

She made them feel sad 
If ever she happened to reachamp. 


There was a young lady called Freda, 
Who was an omnivorous reader. 

Of Dickens and Scott, 

She had read quite a lot; 
But her favorite author was Ouida. 

Oh, the flying machine some day will fly 
And through the ether roam. 

But on its collapse, 

The horse, perhaps, 
Will be asked to haul it home. 

A fellow who slaughtered two toucans. 
Said, *'I shall put them into two cans." 

Two canners who heard, 

Said, "You'll be a bird. 
If you can put two toucans in two cans." 

There was a youth named Le Marque, 
Who called on the comely Miss Clarque. 

She asked him to stay. 

But he answered, "Nay, 
I'm afraid to go home after darque." 

Mr. Bogworthy rented a suite 
In a building without any huite. 

He lived there for six months, 

But never kicked onths. 
For a surgeon has cut off his fuite. 


There was a young man of Alaska, 
In love with a maid of Nebraska. 

He sat on a hummock 

And rubbed his — chest; 
"When the ice is broken, I'll ask her." 

A bushman whose name was Umphalia 
Tried to play Harry Laire in Australia. 

He went to a ball 

But was fired from the hall, 
Because of his scanty regalia. 

A Turk named Abdullah Ben Sharum 
Had twenty-four wives in his harem. 

When his Arab steed died, 

''Mighty Allah!" he cried, 
"Take some of my wives, I can spare- 


A young coon who just knew his biz. 

Tried to kiss an acquaintance of his. 
Said she, "Dat can't be, 
'Less you's stronger dan me; 

But, Honey, I reckons you is." 

A certain young fellow named Beebee 
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe. 

"But," said he, "I must see 

What the clerical fee 
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.'* 


This language they call Volapuk 
Is a very hard language to spuk. 
It tangles the tongue, 
And you'll wear out a longue, 
Before you've at it a wuk. 

A genius who once did aspire 
To invent an aerial flyer, 

When asked, "Does it go?" 

Replied, "I don't know; 
I'm a-waiting some damphule to try 'er.'* 

A maiden whioux lived in Sioux 

On a nioux kind of gum tried to chioux. 

But of lockjaw she died, 

And the coroner cried 

When he brought in his verdict, "A sad 
For that gum was a big hunk of glioux. 

There once was a sporty young Mr., 
Who said to a girl when he kr., 
''Won't you please be my wife?" 
She said, "Not on your life; 
The most I can be is your sr." 

When a tramp is given cold victuals, 
Your kindness he ofttimes belictuals. 

And if asked to work, 

He howls like a Turk 
And smashes the dishes and kictuals. 


A typical young girl from Arkansas 
Can chaw more tobacco than her ma can 

She can sling a little ink, 

Take a little drink, 
And saw more wood than her pa can saw. 

The typical young man from Arkansas 
Is never afraid of his mother-in-law. 

He can stay out all night, 

Take a hand in a fight, 
And ring in a cold deck on his father-in- 

A grass widow who lived in Eau Claire 
Tried a new-fangled bleach on her haire. 

And in just one night. 

Her hair got so light, 
That her head next morning was baire. 

"My state," said a fellow from Md., 
"In winter's a big Tom and Jd., 

In summer the cows 

Contentedly browse — 
Milk-punches then make it a dd." 

There was a young lady from Dorset, 
Lit on a match and decided to toss it 

In a cup of benzine; 

And out on the green. 
They found a side-comb and a corset. 


A cannibal monarch imperial 
Kept his wives on a diet of cereal, 
But he didn't much care 
What the women should wear, 
Nor did they; it was quite immaterial. 

There once was a foppish old beau, 
Who said, **I find walking too sleau. 

So I prances down the street 

And throw out my feet 
And trip my fantastical teau." 

(Book I, by the lady from Butte, 
Being naughty, some folks thought it 

Book II, being tame, 

D'idn't sell quite the same — 
Though it bettered the lady's repute. 

There was a young maid from Japan 
Who married a Hottentot man. 

The girl she was yellow. 

And black was the fellow. 
And their children were all black and tan. 

There was a poor fellow from Lynn, 
By accident sat on a pynn, 

He let out a shriek, 

A howl and a squiek. 
And his language was really a synn»: 


"A lady named Rose had a daughter 
Who did things no lady had ought'er. 

The good folks confessed 

She was none of the best, 
But I noticed they all of them bought 

A Turk by the name of Haroun 
Ate whiskey by means of a spoon. 

To one who asked why, 

This Turk made reply: 
*'To drink is forbidden, you loon." 

There was a fair maid named Pomona — 
The first time she ate of bologna 

She said : "It is queer, 

But I really fear 
You must help me remove its kimona." 

A party from Liberty Bluff (Wis.), 
Who thought he was mighty hot stuff, 

Struck New York for a stay 

Of a week and a day. 
But he found that a day was enough. 

There was a young lady from Kent, 
Who always said just what she meant; 

People said, "She's a dear; 

So unique — so sincere" — 
But they shunned her by common con- 


Her feelings she could not disguise, 
So when he gazed into her uise 

So bashfully risen, 

He knew she was his'n 
And kissed her because he was wuise. 

Said the widow, a pretty young Mrs., 
^^Sir, I really don't know what a krs/' 
Then the bold man, in haste. 
Put his arm 'round her waist. 
And exclaimed: "My dear madam, thrs." 

An old lady who lived in Columbus, 
Whose daily amusement was to fuss. 

By divorces and such 

Changed her last name so much 
That the composite looked like a rebus. 

A junior 'way down in Key West 
Stole his arm 'round a pretty girl's waist. 
Then she said: "If you please. 
Give a hard and long squeeze — 
For we girls all like that sort best." 

There once was a fellow named S-m, 
A foe to all pretence and sh-m, 
His language was 1 — se 

And he swore like the d — ce. 
When angry he always said d — m. 


When she eyed me askance 
Was she offended? No; 
She did not mean it so, 
When she eyed me askance, 
For she's cross-eyed, you know. 

The wise man is strong in his wisdom, 
The foolish man weak in his folly; 

But the high and the low, 

As they come and they go, 
[Are all easy marks for a jolly. 

She's a blonde of the genus peroxide 
Foolish. If I had her rocks I'd 

Let my hair glint 

With its natural tint. 
Though 't were that of a frazzled old fox- 

Oh, gas may escape and gas may burst 
And vanish in noise and flame. 

But the meter's hand, in its quiet way 
Goes traveling onward day by day, 
And gets there just the same. 

A youth with the pride of a czar 
Thought it funny to hector his cpar, 
Till the old man arose 
And pummelled his nose. 
And showed him full many a cstar. 


A feudist who lived in Ky., 
Said, ^*Yes, I hev been purty ly, 

Per IVe never been hit 

In the back — that is, yit" — 
Now he's dead — but he surely was ply. 

There was a co-ed from Cayenne 
Who ate onions, club cheese and senne- 
Till a bad fright one day 
Took her breath quite away. 
And we hope she won't find it agenne. 

Said a maid, "I shall marry for lucre." 
Then her ma stood right up and shuckre, 

But just the same 

When a chance came 
The old dame said no word to rebuchre. 

A piccolo player was stoned 

As over his playing he moaned. 

When asked why he played it, 

He smiled as he said it, 
^'Because it's so very high-toned.f 

A granger who came from Twin Views 
Sat in with a nice stack of bliews. 

Ere the midnight bell tolled 

His feet grew so cold 
That he had to stuff hay in his shiews. 


Said a gourmand too fond of good 

*^How this beastly existence belictuals. 

Don't you think 'twould be fine 

To do nothing but dine? 
I wish life was all beer and skictuals." 

The wide, expensive panama 
Which seems to be without a fla 

May be a fake — 

'Tis said they make 
A lot of them in Arkansa. 

There once was a frolicsome Sioux 
Whioux didn't know just what tioux 

So he went for a walk 

With his gay tomahawk 
And proceeded tioux make the air blioux. 

Miss Hyacinthe Gladys McGee 
Said somewhat explosively: "Wheel 
If the back of my head 
Were my forehead instead. 
Just think how unique I should be!" 

"He kissed me when he called last week," 
Said Miss Ann Teek, as o'er her cheek 

The crimson blushes started. 
"That's so like Ned," Miss Peppery said; 

"He always was kind hearted." 


The deacon said: "Now, we'll sing 

You ought to rise when you sing, Mrs. 
But the sister stayed sot 
And said: "Rise I will not; 
I can't; I've got cramps in my lymns.'' 

A tenderfoot went out to Butte 
And said he knew how to shutte. 

He missed every shot 

And he never forgot 
The way he received the hoarse hutte. 

A certain young lady named Daisy, 
Who was most infernally laisy, 

Said : "It dizzies my head, 

To make up the bed, 
But the way I can waltz sets 'em craisy.'' 

There was a young man from Mont. 
Who slipped on a peel of ban. 

He fell on his head 

And w^hat he then said, 
Was quite the reverse of "Hos." 

There's a girl in the city of Sioux — 
Or, in fact, there are quite a fioux 

Who will any night. 

Accept an invight, 
To get outside a cream soda or tioux. 


A granger one day cashed a cheque 
On a city bank that was a wreque ; 

This new-fangled gold brique 
Made him so hopelessly sique 
That he hanged himself by the neque. 

An elephant lay in his bunk, 
In slumber his chest rose and sunk, 
He snored and he snored 
Till the jungle folks roared — 
Then his wife tied a knot in his trunk. 

There once was a man who lived 
Fifteenth and Spruce in a fl@. 
But to Camden he moved 
And the cause of it proved 
To be his wife's new Easter h@. 

A minister, a man of prayer, 

Who stubbed his toe against a chayer 
While hunting matches in the dark, 
Was strangled by the choice remark 

He'd like to say, but didn't dayer. 

"This chicken soup," Miss Starvem said, 
"I wish. Judge, you w^ould try." 

The judge he took a sip. Said he — 
"The chicken, ma'am, it seems to me, 
Has proved an alibi." 


There was an old man of Lyme, 
Who married three wives at a time. 
When asked: "Why the third?" 
He replied: "One's absurd, 
And bigamy, sir, is a crime." 

Burglar Bill, who could break into any 

old house, 
Gave up at the point of a gun. 

For laden with booty. 

Because of his loot, he 
Could hardly break into a run. 

There was a young lady named Enus, 
Who went to a ball dressed as Venus. 

But the guests thought her rude 

To come in the nude, 
So they brought her a leaf from the 

[A tailor of highest repute 

Made a suit for a suitor of Butte. 

But when donned the suit parted. 

The suitor then started 
A suit, for the suit didn't suit. 

There was an old sailor of Crete 
Whose peg legs propelled him quite nete. 

"Strong liquor," he said, 

"Never goes to my head, 
And I know it can't go to my fete." 


The only silent woman ever known 
Reclines on Egypt's sultry sands alone; 
And the Egyptian thinks, 
As he interviews the sphynx, 
He'd be happy if his wife were carved of 

A beautiful lassie named Florence 
Once wept till her tears flowed in tor- 
When asked why she cried, 
She sighed and replied, 
"The sheriff's been here with some wor- 

One day an old maiden from Gloucester 
Met a gentleman cow, and he toucester. 
Though she wasn't much hurt 
It played hob with her skirt. 
Oh, think of the anguish that coucester. 

There was a young girl from Westchester 
Whose fellow stole up and caressed her. 
"Come, kiss me!" he cried. 
But she blushed and denied, 
And refused to begin till he pressed her. 

There was a small boy of Quebec, 
Who was buried in snow to his neck; 

When asked: "Are you friz?" 

He replied: "Yes, I is; 
But we don't call this cold in Quebec." 


There was an old man of St. Bees, 
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 

When asked: "Does it hurt?" 

He replied : "No, doesn't. 
But I thought all the while 'twas 

The old Mother Hubbard 
Lay in the cupboard 

And stifled a dreadful moan. 
It had gone out of style 
And for quite a long while 

Its owner had let it alone. 

There was a young man of Typhoo 
Who wanted to catch the 2.2. 

But his friend said, "Don't hurry, 

Or worry, or flurry, 
It's a minute or two to 2.2." 

There was a young man of St. Kitts 
Who was very much troubled with fits; 

The eclipse of the moon A^ h 

Threw him into a swoon ' 

When he tumbled and broke into bits. 

There was an old man 'of Apulia 
Whose conduct was very peculiar; 

He fed twenty sons 

Upon nothing but buns, 
That whimsical man of Apulia. 


There was an old fellow of Me. 

Who was fond of the works of Hall Ce. 
With a wide, vacant smile, 
He said: "They're good style;" 

Alas! the poor man was inse. 

I am gai, I am poet, I dwell 

Rupert Street, at the fifth; I am swell 

And I sing tralala 

And I love my mamma, 
'And the English, I speaks him quite well. 

There was a young man of Ostend 
Who vowed he'd hold out to the end, 
. .^.^ But when half way over 

' '^ From Calais to Dover, 

He done what he didn't intend. 

There was a young lady of Lynn 
Whose waist was so charmingly thin 

The dressmaker needed 

A microscope, she did. 
To fit this young lady of Lynn. 

A jolly young chemistry tough. 
While mixing a compounded stuff, 

Dropped a match in the vial. 

And after a while — 
They found his front teeth and one cuff. 


There's a lady in Kalamazoo 
Who bites all her oysters in two, 

For she feels a misgiving, 

Should any be living, 
They'd kick up a hullabaloo. 

There was an old lady named Carr 
Who took the 3.3 to Forfar; 

For she said: "I conceive 

It is likely to leave 
Far before the 4.4 to Forfar." 

There was a young person named Tate 

Who went out to dine at 8-8, 
But I will not relate 
What that person named Tate 

And his tete-a-tete ate at 8-8. 

A tutor who tooted the flute 

Tried to teach two young tooters to toot; ^ 

Said the two to the tutor: 

^'Is it harder to toot, or 
To tutor two tooters to toot?" 

There was an old man of Tarentum 
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 

When they asked him the cost 

Of what he had lost, 
He replied: ^'I can't say, for I rent 'em." 


There once was a happy hyena 
Who played on an old concertina; 

He dressed very well, 

And in his lapel 
He carelessly stuck a verbena. 

There once was a man from Nantucket 
Who kept all his cash in a bucket; 

But his daughter named Nan 

Ran away with a man, 
And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket, 
The man and the girl with the bucket; 

And he said to the man 

He was welcome to Nan, 
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 

So pa followed the man to Andover, 
And discovered him living in clover 

''Tho my daughter you've won. 

You can't have my mon. 
In regard to that bucket, Andover." 

There was a young person of Crete 
Whose toilette was far from complete; 
She dressed in a sack, 
Spickle-speckled with black. 
That ombliferous person of Crete. 


I'd rather have fingers than toes, 
I'd rather have ears than a nose! 

And as for my hair, 4^A^/^ i3 

Fm glad it's all there; 
ril be awfuly sad when it goes. 

There once was a baby of yore, 
But no one knew what it was for, 

And being afraid 

It might be mislaid, 
They put it away in a drawer. 

There was a young maid who said : "Why 
Can't I look in my ear with my eye? 

If I put my mind to it 

I'm sure I can do it. 
You never can tell till you try." 

There once was a Frenchman from Pau 
Who went for a slide on the snau 

In the rough Pyrenees, 

Where he skinned both his knees. 
And his cuticle now has to grau. 

There was a young man of Atlanta 
Fell in love with a girl full of banter. 

"I should just like to see 

The man who'd kiss me," 
She said, and he did instanter. 


The fellow that dabbles in stocks 
Is likely to run on the rocks ; 

His pile dwindles away 

Like ice on a hot day; 
It melts in chips, not in blocks. 

A young married man of Nunhead, 
To a pal very solemnly said: 

''Though spliced but a week, 

If truth I must speak, 
I heartily wish myself dead." 

They played at the game called parchesi 
Till he exclaimed: ''This is too esi. 

Let's dress and get out 

And wander about;" 
But t'others all thought 'twas too bresi. 

A fellow in good old Terre Haute 
Went out at election to vaute; 
When his party won out 
He gave a great shout — 
And came home as full as a gaute. 

There was a young maid of Wyo., 
Who liked to walk out in the glo. 

If a friend, as she passed, 

Quite politely would ask 
What she'd have, she'd reply: "Some- 
thing fo." 


A Teutonic actor cried ''Hoch! 

I am fond of sword-play and war-smock. 

But I don't mean it. Nein! 

No ulterior design 
Is involved. It is only a joch." 

There was a young man from Woon- 

Whose picture was worn in a locket; 

He married the belle, 

And ere long it befell 
That they took out the locket to socket. 

A girl went abroad from Dubuque 
Intending to get her a duque, 

But the price was so high 

She wasn't able to high, 
And the neighbors cried: "Oh, what a 

A pseudo big chief of the Sioux 

Sued hard for the hand of sweet Sue; 

He carried the day, 

And the marriage, they say, 
Of Sue and the Sioux will ensue. 

The cantatrice, Mme. de Anna, 
Who sang a mosquito sopranna, 

Slipped off in high C 
Half an inch from the key, 
In a very ridiculous manna. 


Oh, the women wear the breeches in 

The women ride astride in Aiken, in 
They don't do things by halves, 
And they show their pretty calves, 
Be they fat or lean as staves in Aiken, in 

"Go ask papa," the maiden said. 

He knew that her papa was dead; 
He also knew the life he led 
And to where her answer led 

When *^Go ask papa," the maiden said. 

There was a young fellow named Phil, 
Who courted a charmer named Lil; 

Then followed, of course, 

A suit for divorce. 
So you see he is courting her still. 

A cook there was kneading her dough, 
When in at the dor walked her bough; 

She said: "I'm busy. 

So don't make me dusy 
With love talk, but get up and gough." 

They had purchased a set of croquet. 
And were ready one morning to pluet, 
But the horrid old rain 
Spoiled the game for the twain. 
So they spooned in the parlor all duet. 


A gallant and social Mr. 
On meeting a fair damsel kr, 

She called for a Dr. 

The thing had so shr, 
And on her red lips raised a blr. 

A clergyman told from his text 
How Samson was barbered and vexed, 

And told it so true 

That a man in the pew 
Got rattled, and shouted out *'Next!" 

She made for herself a new toque, 
But cried till she thought she would 

When her husband said "Gee! 

Your friends will all see 
That a hat made like that is a joque." 

In Chicago they called her petite, 
She'd a figure uncommonly nite; 

But of course you can see, 

Just as plain as can be. 
This didn't apply to her fite. 

A telephone maid from Cologne 

Had a heart that was harder than stogne. 

When they asked for her hand 

In tones that were bland. 
She blasted their hopes o'er the 'phogne. 


An heiress who lived in Dubuque 
Was courted and wed to a duque, 
But this nobleman gay 
Made her wealth fade away, 
So she had to go out as a cuque. 

The sermon our pastor Rt. Rev. 

Began, may have had a Rt. clev, 
But his talk, though consistent, 
Kept the end so far distant. 

We left since we felt he mt. nev. 

There once was a maid from Fa. 
Who slipped as she walked in the ca. 

She cried out, "Oh, fudge! 

I really can't budge," 
Now could there be anything ha? 

A man who made photos in platinum 
Sat down on some fresh prints to flat- 

But a pin in the chair 

Made him leap up and swair — 
Now he wishes he never had satinum. 

A young lady on economy bent 
Wished to give a luncheon in Lent, 
So dried apples and water 
She served, but it taught her 
Swell affairs oft bring discontent. 


There once was a nice young Mr. 
Who loved some one else's sr; 

When he asked her to wed 

She just nodded her head, 
So he promptly got up and he kr. 

A maiden named Annabel Rose, 
Who was given to up-to-date clothes, 

From Santa Claus got 

A nice house and lot. 
But it fell through the clocks in her hose. 

There oa-ce w^as a miserable debtor 
Who sat down to write a long letter. 

When he picked up the ink, 

His heart it did sink, 
For he spilled some all over his swebter. 

Miss Minnie McFinney, of Butte, 
Fed always, and only on f rutte. 

Said she: "Let the coarse 

Eat of beef and of horse, 
I'm a peach, and that's all there is tutte." 

There was a grass widow quite proper, 
Who was formerly married to Hopper, 

But he got a divorce. 

As a matter of course. 
And the grass widow's now a grass- 


'Tis said that old Earl of Warwick 
(A personage very histarwick) 

Dismissed his physician, 

A man of position, 
For making him drink paregarwick. 

The brakeman was broke, so he turned on 

his brake. 

And broke through the car with a gun. 

To the folks he had broken he left no 

kind token. 

But broke for the brake with the 


A giddy young cat named Mariar 
On the back fence sang higher and 
Till she hit a high note 
Which got stuck in her throat — 
She now has to play on a lyre. 

A chap who lived just as he should 
Was running one day through a would, 

When his head struck a tree, 

He fell dead as could be — 
How nice that he'd always been gould. 

There once was a mile. 
With a form like a pretty glle, 
Whenever she laughed 
She drove me quite daughed, 
And made me as angry as elle. 


A witty chap full of bon mots 
Went often to vaudeville shots; 
When he sat and talked back 
Till, chagrined with his slack, 
The boss led him out by the nots. 

There once was a freshman named 

Who fell down four flights without mean- 
The janitor swore, 
As he struck the ground floor: 
"Twill take all the afternoon cleaning." 

There once was a girl named Amelia, 
Who drank half a pint of lobelia, 
The doctor came quick 
And declared, '^You're not sick, 
So why am I summoned to helia?'' 

Algernon Jones ate Paris green 
And died all over the carpet clean. 
The loss of the rug piqued Algie's father, 
Who remarked: "He always was a 

A young fellow said, "If I could" — 
Then he stopped for a moment and stould. 

"I affirm by my soul — 

Could afford to buy coul 
I wouldn't be here sawing would." 


A girl with her hands in the dough 
Was caught in the act by her bough. 

''Now I've got you," he said; 

With a toss of her head, 
She answered him: "Ough. I don't 

A weak but ingenious young guy 
Was induced to believe he could fluy, 

So he built a machine 

That required gasoline — 
Well, he found it a quick way to duy. 

There was a young man with a squint, 
Who couldn't be moved by a huint, 

So he stayed, and he stayed 

'Till her pa made a raid — 
And now he is plastered with luint. 

A lady who liked to crochet 
Had a manner vivacious and get. 

People's names she forgot, 

But that bothered her not, 
For she calmly addressed them as "set." 

A fellow who lived in New Guinea, 
Was known as a silly young nuinea. 

He utterly lacked 

Good judgment and tact, 
For he told a svelt girl she was skuinea. 


A woman who wanted a toque 

And whose hubby had said he was broque 

Swiped his new overcoat 

And just left him a noat 
To say she had put it in soque. 

A man by the name of Mulqueen, 
Who endeavored to light his dudeen 

With a dynamite stick, 

His pipe may have lit, 
But I can't say the same of Mulqueen. 

There was a young lady of Crewe, 
Who wanted to catch the 2 : 2. 

Said the porter, ''Don't hurry 

Or scurry or flurry. 
It's a minute or 2 2 2: 2." 

There was a young fellow in Me., 
Who took his girl out in the re. 
She wore rainy-day clothes 
And her openwork hothes 
He noticed, were clocked like a se. 

Said the mate of this vessel unique 
To the cap'n, ''What port shall we 


Said the cap'n, "We'll dock 'er 
In Davy Jones' locker; 
The bloomin' old tub's sprung a lique." 


If men wore their hats in the lift, 
Miss Bangup got awfully mift, 

But when her best beau 

Cigarette smoke did bleau 
Through his nose, she would smile as 
she snift. 

There was once a Jap of renown 

Who doted on seeing the town. 
Said the girls, with surprise, 
^'When he makes goo-goo eyes. 

One of his eyes look up 

And the other looks pensively down." 

There was a big chap in Mo., 
Who drove a big truck for a Bro. 

In speech he was mild 

As a Sunday-school child; 
The strongest he used was, ^'Oh, Fo. 1" 

They all made a journey to Haddam — 
Papa, son-in-law and the madam; 

Where the bucket they drained 

Until nothing remained. 
And the next morning all three of them 

There was an old Kansas antique, 
Whose life was a smash and a shrique. 

And they say Carrie N. 

Is a fussy old hen, 
Who ought to be ducked in the crique. 


There was a young lady in China, 
Who was quite a greedy young dina. 

She feasted on snails, 

Slugs, peacocks and quails, 
"No mixture," she said, "could be fina." 

The maid was a buster, and around with 
a duster 
Was really a fluster a-dusting a bust in 
the hall. 
But when she had dusted. 
The bust it was busted; 
The bust it was dust — that was all. 

Then the man stole away to Havannah 
With the bucket, but left poor, dear 

But pa wired in brief 

To the run- away thief, 
"You can't have that bucket, Havannah." 

There once was a dignified mme., 
Who "hiked" on a road of macme., 

When lo! by mistake, 

A rough road she did take 
And immediately thought that she hme. 

There was a young girl from Marquette, 
Who purchased a pug for a puette; 

But alas and alack! 

It sat on the track, 
And the girl is lamenting it yuette. 


Now lay away your sealskin sacque, 
And take the flannels from your bacque 
And then the grip will lay you low 
And all your loving friends will gow 
Behind your body in a hacque. 

There was a young man down in Ga., 
As cunning and cold as a Ba. 
But he shufl^ed the decks, 
Wrote many false checks, 
And now he's in jail as a fa. 

Nan went with her aunt to Antietam. 
Her pa he had promised to treat 'em. 

He bought from the ''Man," 

Some apples for ''Nan," 
But before Nan could eat 'em, Antietam. 

A five-year-old maiden named Clytie 
Saw a statue of nude Aphrodite. 

"Do you like it?" said I. 

"Yes," the Miss made reply. 
"But I dess she's fordotten her nightie.'* 

Once a frisky young maiden named 

Attempted the shy skee to tame. 
With many wide swerves 
The skees showed their curves. 

And Mame, in the spill, did the same. 


A cheese that was aged and gray 
Was walking and talking one day. 

Said the cheese, '^Kindly note 

My mama was a goat 
And Fm made out of curds by the whay.'' 

She was filled with resentment and pique, 
Refused to contend for a wique; 

But a box of nice candy 

Came in very handy. 
And brought back a smile to her chique. 

A girl from the town of Milwaukee, 
When waltzing was thoroughly gaukee, 

But in gossip she'd shine — 

For that was her line — 
Her long suit was just taulkee-taulkee! 

There was a fellow named Dunne, 
Who thinks making debts is great fun, 

But collectors declare, 

In a tone of despair, 
"We will never be done dunning Dunne.'' 

A youth whose style was unique. 
To marry an heiress did sique, 

But he didn't succeed, 

And to keep him from need, 
He's still working for one pound per 


Said the aeronaut, in his balloon: 

"I shall see all the stars very soon." 

He was right, for he dropped, 

And he saw when he stopped, 

Three millions of stars and a moon. 

Ambrose B. McLarning, 
Without a moment's warning, 

Jumped into the Hudson, 

In all of his duds, an' — 
His funeral was held the next marning. 

Some artists they kin surely draw, 

Espechully the masters, 
But 'bout the best I've ever saw 
In this respect wus my granmaw 

Elmiry's mustard plasters. 

There was an old man of Cape Horn, 
Who wished he had never been born. 

So he sat on a chair 

Till he died of despair, 
That dolorous man of Cape Horn. 

There is a hammer called Opportunity, 

And when the moment comes 
To clinch success or else to fail. 
For each who fairly strikes the nail, 

A hundred hit their thumbs. 


There was a young man of Mo., 
Who wanted to sit on a jo., 

But the judge called him down 

With a terrible frown, 
And the youngster stalked out in a fo. 

Said a sensible man of Corea, 
"I must own to a sneaking idea 

That the Jap and the Russ, 

Ere they finish their fuss, 
Will just wipe up the ground with 

L was a leary old lynx. 

Who said, '^Do you know what I thinks? 

I think if you happen 

To catch me a nappin', 
By jinks, I will set up the drinks." 

He was one of the life-saving corps, 
Who guarded at all times the shores. 

One night in a squall 

He fell from a yawl, 
And he never was seen any more. 

A youth once imbibed some champagne, 
Which soon found its way to his bragne, 

And he murmured, ^'Oh-haw! 

Everything goe, psee-psaw — 
I'll never drink liquor agagne!" 


There once was a new Cambridge mayor, 
Who said, "I'll cause a great scayor! 

I'll cut down the trees 

In the yard, if you plees, 
And then I'll have wood and to spayor." 

When you are dressing for the ball. 

And round and round you fly, 

Oh, how it makes you walk the floor. 
To find the man who rooms next door 

Has got your last dress tie! 

There once was a fine Jersey cow. 
Who remarked, "Will you please tell me 

Ever since I was born, 

I ain't had any horn?" 
We replied, "You're a muley, so now!" 

A young man who hunted in Maine, 
Met a lion one day in the rain. 

He ran in a fright 

With all his might. 
But the lion ran, too, with his mane. 

There were three little birds in a wood, 
Who always sang hymns when they could, 
What the words were about 
They could never make out. 
But they felt they were doing them good. 


When you forgive an enemy 
The stings that smart you and blister, 
The reason then is one of tvvo — 
He is a bigger man than you, 
Or has a pretty sister. 

Punctuation's abhorent to Thos., 
And he loathes semicolons and cos.; 

He is such a bad boy 

That a wave of great joy 
Would arise were the kid taken fros. 

A light-fingered fellow of Worcester, 
Declared, "I'll not steal as I urcester." 

But he fell with a swoop 

On the first chicken coop 
That he saw, and made off with a ror- 

The wife who wants a sealskin sacque 
Will softly now her lord attracque, 

And coax and tease. 

And melt and freeze, 
Until she conquers him, alacquel 

When she starts on her campaign, 
She makes her purpose very plain, 

And ne'er relents 

Till he consents. 
And then she sweetly smiles again. 


"Marry me, or, if not, a new gownl" 
Said the girl with a terrible frown, 
But the man, undismayed, 
Gave his purse to the maid, 
And told her to hie to the town. 

There was a young man named Ignatius, 
Who lived in an attic quite spacious, 

When he tore his apparel, 

He'd sit in a barrel. 
Until he could mend 'em — my gracious! 

"Of the bargains the market affords. 
The best that I know for the lovers of self, 

Is to buy Lord 

At what he is worth — 
And sell at the price he puts on himself." 

At present the fad is old pewter, 
Milady thinks nothing is cewter. 
So if "her" you'd delight 
With a bauble that's right, 
Buy pewter — it's certain to sewter. 

A girl made believe she was crazy. 
And one day when the weather was hazy 

She brandished a knife. 

Screamed, "Wed me, or your life!" 
"Take me," said the fellow, quite mazy. 


There once was a fellow called Jas., 
Who was given to all sorts of gas.; 

He remarked, "I can play 

The races all day; 
I can play, too, the hose on some flas." 

There was a young student named Rough, 
Who was more than enough "up to 

In fact, I believe. 

He'd a card up his sleeve — 
Namely, notes on the edge of his cough. 

Three jolly young fellows of Manx 
Drank so much they were looked on as 
They swore oflF on the first, 
But so great was their thirst. 
On the Fourth they accepted with thanx. 

Two dance hall musicians in Butte 
Were paid to play cornet and flutte, 
But they drank lemonade. 
Beer and whiskey, which made 
These two tooters too tight to tutte. 

There was an old maid of Oneida, 
Who screamed at the sight of a speida, 

She would kick at a lamb 

And run wild from a ramb. 
But fearlessly tackle hard ceida. 


A wealthy old buffer named Saint John 
Had a fire and went off for an ain't John, 

He helped it to play, 

But, alas, the next day, 
He was plagued with rheumatical twaint 

So the next time he came, this young Mr. 
Looked round for the maiden, but mr. ; 

But he lengthened his stay. 

And made good, anyway — 
For he kissed to a bir her sister. 

There is an old woman named Boyle, 

Who's living on cod-liver oyle. 
Though she looks like a phantom 
She's the pluck of a bhantam. 

And vows she won't "shuffle the coyle." 

"I lift home at tin minutes to eight, 
For I wanted tin minutes to ate; 

Me thrain goes at 9.09, 

And now it's nigh nine, 
So there shtill is tin minutes to wait." 

There once was a fellow named Otto, 
Who scorched with his 90-mile auto. 

He outscorched this life. 

And the rumor is rife 
That the next will scorch him, for it 
ought to. 


A pretty young girl of Algiers, 

Who was constantly weeping for years, 

Saved the drops in a tank, 

Which was kept in a bank, 
Till safe-blowers burst into tears. 

A company wrecked in Monclair 
Vainly skirmished around for fare. 
Being left on their suppers, 
Started home on their uppers. 
But still are quite far from the square. 

There was a young lady named Lulu, 
Who was running away with a Zulu, 
When her grandfather caught her 
And drenched her with water. 
And said, "Now, I hope that will do, Lul" 

A tramp asked a farmer for something 
to eat, 
One day as he chanced there to stop. 
The kind-hearted farmer went out to the 

And gave him an axe, and feelingly said, 
"Now, just help yourself to a chopl" 

There is a fair girl at Le Sueur, 
Whose upper lips' covered with fur, 
Yet this adds but a charm 
To her father's big farm. 
And the fellows are wild after her. 


A barefoot young woman of Twickenham 
Bought shoes 'cause she thought she'd 
walk quick in 'em; 

After walking a mile 

She sat on a stile, 
And right there became awful sick in 'em. 

T'here was once a swate colleen called 

Who tumbled down, biff, in a quarrie ; 
As she wiped off the dirt, 
She said, ''Och! doesn't it hurt? 

Begorra, Oi raley feel sorrie!" 

The shark enjoys no man's respect. 
And he doesn't wish to claim it, yet 
It may be said for him that he 
Flaunts no pretentious piety 
In grabbing all that he can get. 

A young maid of old Terre Haute 
Found herself in a deuce of a baute, 
The husband she'd bought 
Wrote the name ''Terry Hawt," 
So she speedily set him aflaute. 

One night when the echoes were dumb, 
A bibulous rake with a drumb 

Made a horrible noise 

To give vent to his joise. 
Until he by a cop was o'ercumb. 


She gave her heart to the handsome 

youth — 
The youth with a sweet mustache ; 

She gave her heart — but her hand she 

For the gray-bearded man whose Up 
was shaved, 
And whose pockets were lined w4th cash. 

There was once a cal. fellow, 

Who grew ically mellow, ^u. jb ^1 

With a — he was gone 

To the town of : 
To write for a sheet that was yellow. 

Miss Nora once wore a fedora 
As bright as the light of Aurora, 

A goat passing by 

Said, when it caught his eye, 
"I'd adore a feed o'er fedora!" 

A party whose candor was shocking 
Was once reprimanded for knocking. 

Because he had said 

Of the heiress he wed 
She carries her coin in her chatelaine. 

The question he'd popped at a toi, 

And the answer had filled him with gloi, 

For the maiden so fair. 

With a sweet, modest air. 
Replied to him simply with "Oui." 


But as he drove his motor car 

He smoked a strong and vile cigar. 

O, nicotine 

And gasoline, 
There's joy for us, these two between. 

When in the footlights' glare she stands 
Men think her one of the fairy queens; 

What would they say 

Could they but see 
The way she tackles the pork and beans? 

The wind blows sweetly from the west, 
The furnace fire dies, 

And in a little while we'll get 

The sticky paper out and set 
The old snares for the flies. 

There was a great swell in Japan, 
Whose name on a Tuesday began; 
It lasted through Sunday, 
Till twilight on Monday, 
And sounded like stones in a can. 

In Iowa's fair Oskaloosa 

A girl said, ^Tll not marry yoosa." 

His name was Oscar, 

But he lost off the R, 
When the people asked, "Did Oska- 


A teacher whose spelling's unique, 
Thus wrote down the days of the wique: 
The first he spelt ^'Sonday," 
The second day ''Munday" — 
And now a new teacher they sique. 

To a poor, dirty tramp said proud Matt, 
"Get immediately out of the patt! 

You're obstructing my way — 

Vanish quickly, I say! 
Besides, you've not taken a battl" 

A masher who lived in Marseilles 
Was a winner with giddy femeilles, 

But a girl from Bordeaux, 

When he popped, snorted "Neaux!" 
And it took all the wind from his seilles. 

When the funny man's copy is due, 
And jokes seem remarkably few, 

He will jump to his chair. 

Take a pull at his hair, 
Then grind out a limerick or two. 

Did you ever wake to consciousness of 

When the maiden fair was willing 
To bestow the pleasure thrilling 
In a moment's taste of heaven called a 



"The clothes don't make the man," she 

In language pat; 
He saw her bloomers, and he cried, 

"I'm glad of that!" 

Extremes doth Mistress Fashion love 
In woman's drapery show, 

In winter decollete above, 
In summer decollete below. 

He forced her pa to toe the mark; 

'Twas quite a hit. 
Alas! her pa did toe the mark, 

But he was it! 

"I'll marry whom I please," said she, 

And tossed her little head; 
"Hurrah, you're mine, for certainly 

You do please me," he said. 

When Adam ate that apple red, 
It only took a minute; 

The apple was in Adam then. 
But Adam wasn't in it. 

"How was my angel cake?" she said; 

Her husband answered with a frown: 
"Though it was heavier than lead, 

I fear I cannot keep it down." 


That woman cannot run a train, 

It's useless to repine, 
For every Monday she would have 

A wash out on the line. 

There'd be less cause for worrying, 
For picturesque remarks and fuss, 

If we could fall upon the snow 
As softly as it falls on us. 

He married her — his fair typewriter 

So ladylike, so gentle, such a pearl!- - 
And now discovers, to his consternation, 
There's not a thing she'll do at his dicta- 

A coach and four he'd have, he swore, 

If only things went right, 
And now he's gone to buy the coach — 

Quadruplets came last night. 

She made a fortune in preserves, 

No woman e'er did better; 
She won a breach-of-promise case | 

By ''preserving" every letter. '% 

In counting life's worries 
'Tis little things tell, 

All girls with small brothers 
Know this very well. 


All things may come 
To those who wait, 

But when they do 
They're out of date. 

He led her to the altar, 
'Twas merely tit for tat; 

He led her to the altar, 
She led him after that. 

Mary had a little lamb. 

Its fleece was white as snow^ 

But most of us have heard of ir, 
All that we want to know. 

Willie scalped his baby brother^ 
Left him lying hairless; 

*Willie," said his worried mother, 
"You are getting careless." 

I do not know why I am here, 

I really do not care. 
But if I wasn't here, I know, 

I'd probably be there. 

A bachelor says a woman can't 

Throw straight because she squintf ; 

But, just the same, she's accurate. 
When it comes to throwing hints. 


*'I am building," the pensive maiden said, 

"A castle in the air." 
"And what is the corner-stone?" he asked. 

She answered: "A solitaire." 

"If you cannot be a light-house, 
Be a candle!" Moody said; 

But you know a candle's wick-ed, 
So by Moody don't be led! 

His name was Willie Wood, 
Her name was Susie Glue, 

He pressed her to his heart and said, 
"My dear, I'm stuck on you." 

She sang a moving little song, 
This girl of voice bereft; 

In fact, it was so moving that 
The audience all left. 

A mouse ran by, she did not scream, 
Or wildly raise her head; 

"I do not mind such animals 
With bloomers on," she said. 

She wanted to go to the Charity Ball, 
But she had no new fixings to wear, 

And well did she know, as her judgment 
of clothes, 
That charity would not be there. 


In the sunny South where blue-grass 

A paradox is born; 
The corn is full of kernels and 

The colonel's full of corn. 

A maiden once ate a cucumber, 
And then she lay down to slumber; 

The next thing she knew 

Up to Heaven she flew, 
And her casket was made of new lumber. 

— Eugene Field. 

He stood on the bridge at midnight. 
Beneath the heaven's great dome. 

Because he was married and the jag that 
he carried 
Made him afraid to go home. 

A punch in my solar plexus 

The Demon Rum gave me; 
I didn't mind; in fact, was glad — 

'Twas a good, stiff Roman punch, you 

The girl to her doting father brings 
Her lover with a fond salute, 

But as time goes on there's a change in 
things — 
She brings him a lover to bootl 


The bird sits moping on the bough 

And takes it rather ill 
That he, forsooth, is killed to dress 

The girl that's dressed to kill. 

With bold bacilli in a kiss 
And germs in the ice cream, 

Pray who can tell what will become 
Of love's young dream? 

'Twas ever thus, from childhood's hour, 
I'd softly to the door advance. 

And for my latchkey wildly "scour," 
To find 'twas in some other "pants." 

The gentleman of leisure's one 
Who takes his time, no doubt; 

He may take your time, too, so watch 
Your watch when he's about. 

"Your face is like a peach," he said; 

She blushed beneath her bonnet. 
Nor dreamed he meant to say it had 

Superfluous fuzz upon it. ^ 

She met him in the darkened hall; 

Said he, "I've brought some roses." 
Her answer seemed irrelevant; 

It was, "How cold your nose is!" 


Oh, the size of the sighs a fond lover 
When some flirt casts him off for a 
Can never size up with the size of the 
Of the poor luckless one who may get 

She was a simple summer girl, 
Her beauty made me glad. 

But the sweets she ate at my expense 
Took every cent I had. 

"Say so. Sue, sau-cy Sue, 

Never leave me to sigh so, Sue; 

If you love me, saucy Sue, 

Wouldn't it be better for to say so. Sue?" 

You may scramble up mountains all over 

the world, 

Of the biggest and highest description. 

But you'll find the most difficult sort of 

'k ascent 

/ When you try to get up a subscription. 

Behold the felicitous father, 

His daughter's wedding when at, 

Supporting the bride to the altar. 
And the bride and the groom after that 


"Have you learned," he asked, 

"To flirt with a fan?" 
"No," the maiden said, 

"I prefer a man." 

From Saratoga Clara writes: 
"Come here for your ozone, 

It strengthens all things, since I came; 
My love has stronger grown." 

The coming woman, night and day, 

We hear of high and low. 
Till there's but one thing we can say— 

We wish sheM come and go! 


I'll Stick to you whate'er betide. 
Though all the world may scoff." 
Thus spoke the heavy flannel shirt, 
But the man said, "Aw, come off!" 

The prettiest girl I ever knew 

Was good and kind and brilliant, too, 

And yet she would not stay. Ah, me! 

I met her in a reverie. \ 

The stork is a bird with a great big bill ; 
He brings us the babies whenever he will; 
Then comes the doctor, and when he is 

You find that he has a big bill, too. 


If there's one unsecluded spot 
That I would like to own 

And fence about, 'tis that small plot 
Where my wild oats were sown. 

She was mad enough to tear her hair 
And grind her teeth, also; 
But she curbed her angry passion, 
For they cost too much, you know. 

"Just think what we'd be missing," 
Said he, "if that delighted 

Discoverer of kissing 
Had had it copyrighted." 

Hark! the herald angels sing 
Killam's pills are just the thing; 
Peace on earth and mercy mild, 
Two for man and one for child. 

The young man took his sister's hand, 
And sought to soothe her tears. 
"The cry-sis has arrived!" he said 
As she burst into tears. 

The boy stood on the burning deck 

Because he was afraid. 
He couldn't swim to save his neck, 

And that was why he stayed. 


Her pretty mouth, when first I kissed ii, 

I knew right well; 
She turned her head — I thought I missed 

I cannot tell 
Just how it was, but, well — I kissed it. 

Mary had a little lamb, 

Likewise a lobster stew, 
And ere the sunlit morning dawned 

She had the nightmare, too. 

They went out sailing, lass and lad, 

Who liked each other well; 
He hugged the shore, and I might add — 

But, pshaw! I mustn't tell! 

"Come into the garden, Maud," he 
But sweet Maud was nobody^s fool. 
"Do your own tater-buggin'," she cried — 
"I'll stay in the house and keep cool. 

"Will you walk into my parlor?" said the 
spider to the fly. 
"Well, hardly," said the insect as he 
winked the other eye. 

"Your parlor has an entrance, but of ex- 
its it is shy. 

So I'll stay outside in safety and remain 
a little fly." 


"I love the ground you walk on,'' 

This was the tale he told. 
They lived up by the Klondike 

And the ground was full of gold. 

"Your' re lively to-day," said the William 
As he watched his helpmeet hustle. 
She said: "I have just eaten some wom- 
en's wear, 
And I'm just full of bustle." 

"I cannot sing the old songs," 

She warbled. It was true, 
And would some power would keep her 

From murdering the new. 

^'Mother, may I go out to swim?" 
''Yes, my dearest daughter. 

Get a suit you'll look well in 
But don't go near the water." 

Close, close beside each other 
They sat for half the night; 

Until the younger brother 
Turned sudden up the light. 

Of all the great composers known, 
There's one will always keep 

A promise that's all his own — 
The great composer — Sleep. 


*'Oh, do you love me, dear?" he cried; 

"And will you cast your lot 
With mine in Hymen's 'Knot'?" She 

And simply echoed "Not!" 

Ay! he was drunk with love, he said; 

And Cupid held the cup. 
Quite soon thereafter they were wed 

And then he sobered up. 

She shuts her eyes whene'er we kiss, 
This maid so sweet and good. 

And from my inmost heart I wish 
Her mother also would. 

They buried her in a bathing suit; 

A victim of the sea, 

Who died from shame when a big wave 

came — 
Her*epitaph, R. I. P. 

The leaves are turning yellow; 

The garden's charm has died; 
And Mabel and her fellow 

Now bill and coo inside. 

She ne'er again will speak to him — 
This stupid youth so bland. 

She stood beneath the mistletoe — 
He merely shook her hand. 


He steered across the floor at night, 
The room was pitchy black; 

He loudly swore — and then went off 
Upon another tack! 

"I've called full twenty times," said he, 
"Your stony heart to soften." 

"I'm shocked to hear," responded she, 
"That you've been full so often." 

Now, as to mistletoe 

Why don't the ladies fair 

Adopt a new and fetching fad 
And wear it in their hair? 

He trod on the corn of the belle of the 
And then — so the other girls tell — 
Slumbering echoes were aroused in the 
Because of the bawl of the belle. 

The society girl may be first in the whirl 

of receptions and balls. 
But she'll have to admit it's the telephone 

girl who receives the most "calls." 

"What makes the butter bad?" he asked, 

And pushed away the stuff. 
"Because," said she, "when it was cream» 

It wasn't whipped enough." 


No matter how highly a father may value 
His daughter, 'tis truthful to say 

That some time there's coming a time 
when he's willing 
Quite gladly to give her away. 

If Nature made you ugly, 
And for this fact you care. 

Just step into a street car, and 
You'll soon be passing fare. 

"Wilt play this day a twosome with me?" 
Quote I, and the maid quote ''yea." 

"Make it a onesome for life!" cried I; 
But the maid replied "Nay, nay!" 

The irrepressible dude very early in life 
Falls in love with each maiden he sees, 

In fact, he no sooner gets down on his lip, 
Than he's apt to get down on his knees. 

In Eden once a rib became 

A woman, so they say. 
And now it's ribbon that becomes 

A woman of to-day. 

He pressed his suit persistently 

With vigor, go and snap ; 
She pressed his suit three times a week 

By sitting on his lap. 


The weather yesterday was bad, 
The mud and slush were shocking, 

But they gave the maid a splendid chance 
To show her new silk stocking. 

Though grass may grow anew each year 

And seem of tender age, 
'Tis older far than you appear, 

Because its past-ur-age! 

"Something has come between us," 

Cried the lover in dismay. 
**What else can you expect?" she asked, 

* When you sit so far away." 

**The poor benighted Hindoo, 
He does the best he kindo; 

He sticks to his case 

From first to last, 
And for pants he makes his skindo." 

Mary had a little lamb, 
A joyous, youthful mutton ; 

And when they played at parlor games 
'Twas Mary got the butt'n. 

Spinner's "pair" has just arrived, 
And soon the poor old feller 

All day will like the ocean ships, 
Become a twin propeller. 


I met a goat, and said to him, 
'^The question, pray, excuse, 

Why do you always wag your chin?" 
Quoth he, ^'Because I chews!" 

Baby in the caldron fell — 

See the grief on mother's brow, 

Mother loves her darling well — 
Darling's quite hard-boiled by now. 

He told her the old, old story, 
'Till she to believe him grew. 

And married the man, and after that 
'Most any old story would do. 

*'Oh, Dorothy, darling, do give me a 
Her reply was not quite what he'd 
"Oh, I couldn't do that," said coy little 
"But I'll lend you just one for a sec- 

"I dote upon oaks," said the languishing 
"So noble, so stately, though few; 
Tell me, now, Mr. Jones, what's your 
favorite tree?" 
And he tenderly answered her, "Yew." 


Love in her eyes — Oh, ecstasy! 

My heart leaps with a hope divine. 
Love in her eyes — but not for me. 

She sees an ice cream soda sign. 

Old Baldhead in the foremost row 
Scanned o'er the ballet lasses. 

Poor dears ! They wore few clothes and 
He covered them with his glasses. 

He wrote a quatrain on her eyebrow, 

A sonnet on her throat, 
And her father put a footprint 

On the fag-end of his coat. 

"Did you knock when you came to- 
night?" asked she 

With a blush, the sly little thing. 
"I did; but why do you ask?" said he. 

"Oh, I thought you came with a ring." 

fWasted are the hammock's graces 
On the dusty garret floor; 

But the youth his chance embraces. 
In the parlor, as before. 

I held her little hand in mine; 

She said her love would never falter. 
That was last year — to-night, I opine- 

My rival holds it at the altar. 


"Good-night I" she sighed; and yet once 
"Good-night 1" He cried: "Adieu! 
The parlor clock struck one before 
The lateness of the hour struck two. 

Sweet Anna was, as many know, 

A woman suffragist: 
But when sweet Anna got a beau, 

She was an Anna kissed. 

The lightning bug is brilliant, 
But he hasn't any mind; 

He blunders through existence 
With his headlight on behind. 

They tell us that it taketh two 
To make a quarrel. This 

Is also true: It taketh two 
Likewise to make a kiss. 

I'm very fond of oolong, 
And soochong pleaseth me; 

But one great tea I can't abide, 
And that's humid-i-tea. 

The ballet's not the drawing card 

That once it used to be. 
Ah! when it dies, may some good bard 

Indite its L. E. G. 


You never hear the bee complain, 
Nor hear it weep nor wail; 

But if it wish, it can unfold 
A very painful tail. 

When Phyllis lets me tie her shoe 
My glad heart sings. Indeed, 

I do declare, I wouldn't care 
Were she a centipede. 

The porcupine may have his quills, 

The elephant his trunk, 
But when it comes to common scents 

My money's on the skunk. 

*^These sharp detective officers," 
Said Giggles to his wife, 

"Are very like variety — 
They are the spies of life." 

That anybody seeks her life 

Cannot in truth be said; 
Although, because of her milliner's bill, 

There's a price upon her head. 

The lightning flashed, the lightning 

The skies were rent asunder. 
With shriek and wail loud blew the gale. 

And then it rained like thunder. 


The boy across his mothers knee, 
His sorrows paused to nurse; 

"Alackaday! This is," said he, 
"A very sad reverse." 

"I guess it's time to go," 
Remarked at last the bore; 

*'An excellent guess," she answered; 
"Why didn't you guess before?" 

He was happy 'ere he met her. 
Six short months ago; 

Now, if he could but forget her, 
Once more he'd be so. 

Little Johnnie killed his sister, 
A thing a brother should not do; 
Cried his mother: "Now you'll catch it, 
You've spoiled your father^s brand-new 

Microscopic lens doth show 

That water teems with insects queer; 
But what comfort 'tis to know 

There are no such things in beer. 

Of all the sad and gloomy words 
That mankind ever writ, 

There are no sadder ones to me 
Than these two: "Please remit." 


The big girls who have little brothers, 
Who always run and tell their mothers 
Whatever they hear and see, know well 
In life 'tis little things that tell. 

The boy stood on the burning deck^ 
Whence all but him had fled; 

He would not move to save his neck, 
"For I'm insured," he said. 

She asked him if he'd take a seat, 
But he, his blushes hiding. 

Replied that he preferred to stand,, 
For he'd been horseback riding. 

It is a formal dinner 

And I am there, you see; 

Were "I" to drop quite out of "it," 
Why, "it" would be a "t." 

"My supper's cold!" 
He swore with vim, 

And then she made 
It hot for him. 

She would not, though I coaxed and 

And begged of her my bride to be; 
She said she'd marry whom she pleased. 

Yet — goodness knows — she pleases me. 




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University of Toron 








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